A temporary lapse of judgement

"You must think I'm crazy, I'm still in love with you"

Stuff to say about what has happened recently, but this is not the post.

Just wanted to say that I 'facestalked' the ex and the almost ex on facebook and was relieved/saddened to see that there was no more attraction. The ex I don't even feel I know anymore... I almost feel like I never knew him. Which is sad. The almost ex I always knew was utterly and completely toxic for me.... which is why he is an 'almost ex'. All the same I was undeniably and utterly attracted to him. Now I am relieved... and saddened... to see that now I can see through him the way everybody else somehow could while I knew I should but couldn't. Or I did and ignored it. In that case, I have stopped ignoring it. But I don't want to see him that way... but I also don't want to be attracted to him.

Dreams

I've been sleeping a lot lately - kind of been going to bed at 12 but never quite getting up at 9... so I'm getting on average about 10 hours of sleep.

And while it's nice, I'm kind of wondering why I'm sleeping so much. Usually I sleep a lot after a period of not sleeping very much - kind of catch-up. So I'm hoping I'm just making up for... something... and I'll go back to needing 8 hours in a few days.

In the meantime I've had some interesting dreams, and while I forget most of them, I thought last night's was interesting/disturbing enough to record down.

Basically what I can remember is being late for school, or maybe being on-time, and having gym first period, and our gym lesson was basically getting to the gym taking a difficult path. And I was walking with a girl, a best friend from when I was younger, who I haven't heard from in ages, and I was very disappointed when after being best friends, she just kind of disappeared from my life. And we were both 13 again and it was nice having her by my side. And by the time we got to the gym, we weren't sure what we were meant to be doing, "swimming!" I said, but the swimming pool had been turned into a gym so that obviously wasn't what we were doing. And we wandered between different gym lessons and none of them were ours.

And then another dream I had last night, I think this was completely seperate, was me visiting this random village in Australia that was coincidentally named the same thing as this place in Scotland, and meeting a friend there. I have a lot of guilt associated with this friend to do with romantic interests and my fleeting changing fickle mind. He has understandably since distanced himself from me, which I understand, but invariably sometimes feel rather guilty about, and sometimes kind of sad when I remember how well we got along. Anyway so he has moved to this tiny remote village, and we decide to go to New York (or some other great metropolitan) by train, on a Great Adventure, and we invite some of his small-town hick friends, which was fun. And again it was great just hanging out with him, and I think we even saved some people's lives. This was a very confusing dream in that all these random things happen and I think I changed viewpoints, as in from one person to another, quite a few times. But what I remember the most was just hanging out with him and having a great time, and, admittedly, being tempted again, but knowing that at the end of the day I was right to have done what I did 3 years ago.

So dreams are meant to be your brain working things out I guess, so I thought it was interesting that in one night I dreamt about two people I have cared a lot about and have kind of 'lost', but in two very different ways.

Dreams are dreams though, and should I draw any kind of conclusion from them it would probably be wrong as I don't suppose dreams are meant to give you conclusions. But I guess for the second one perhaps it is time for me to stop feeling guilty, because what I could have done otherwise is much much worse. And for the first one? I've missed her for a long time, but sitting here now examining my feelings, I realise that I don't anymore. I guess, sad that I am to admit it, that was a relationship that ended a very long time ago, and I could try to get in touch again, but what could I expect? It would be nice to hear from her again, hear what she is up to, but I don't think we would have much else to say apart from that.

reading up on environmental stuff

I've got an interview on Tuesday... well a 'chat' apparently, with a company that is doing exactly what I want to do... for the time being. Until I get enough experience under my belt to start dictating policy, that is. :D

But anyway I am reading up on environmental stuff at the moment and I am *not* impressed with this article, and this is why:

"Dr Stroeve and colleagues have now analysed Arctic autumn (September, October, November) air temperatures for the period 2004-2008 and compared them to the long term average (1979 to 2008).

The results, they believe, are evidence of the predicted amplification effect.

"You see this large warming over the Arctic ocean of around 3C in these last four years compared to the long-term mean," explained Dr Stroeve."

1979 to 2008 is not long-term. It may be long-term in terms of say a relationship. But it is not long term in terms of the climate. Climate variability needs to be looked at over much longer terms than 29 years. We need to go back to at least the end of the last ice age if possible. If that is the only data they have, then there's nothing much they can do about it, but they shouldn't call it "long-term". The earth and its climate has been around a lot longer than 30 years.

So much for sleeping before 12. I need to actually start doin what I say I will do...

I have just watched Dawson's Creek 205 - Full Moon Rising, which is an amazingly good episode. Although it just figures that of course I would love the most emo of an already emo series.

whoops

So, no, I didn't get up at 9 today.  More like... 11?  Which put me into an unmotivational state and so I haven't really done much apart from fill out an application form for a 'traineeship' which includes building a whole new CV (Europass) which is what I am working on at the moment, and then I will have to write my 'letter of motivation'.  Oh and watched an episode of Dawson's and Roswell each.

Must... wake up.... at 9....

I guess I listend to a cantonese lesson and washed DISHES THAT WERE NOT MINE, too.

My housemate is not the cleanest guy around, which is really annoying.  I don't want to be cleaning up after him, but at the same time I can't stand the dirtiness he leaves behind.  And it's not like he's just out of university where this kind of thing is at least kind of excuseable, he is a 30 something year old teacher.  Like, get it together dude.  Geeeeeez.

There's a lot that can be said for waking up early.

While not exactly a 9 o'clock rise (9:30 due to a phonecall, but I'm definitely getting up at 9 tomorrow! Really!), I have had breakfast, done my at-least once daily Pimsleur Cantonese lesson, made a phonecall and written two letters, and I'm just about to embark on my third, and it's only 1:30! Usually at this time I would be contemplating breakfast. Oh yes, and I also watched an episode of Roswell. But at least I have been productive!

Now just to write this last letter then I'm going to fix myself lunch and then I'll be off to the post office and then to the library to fill out a rather lengthy application form.

The sleep issue

Ever since I remember, unless I am really really tired, I have never wanted to go to sleep. Right now I am quite tired and hope to wake up tomorrow early-ish to do stuff, but I keep on distracting myself with things so I won't have to go to sleep.

On the other side of the coin I hate waking up and getting out of bed. It takes me 1-2 hours if I don't have anywhere to be. I really have to force myself to get up and not go back to sleep or doze some more. I guess you could say I am late to bed, late to rise.

Maybe I should try and start to change my habits, because I hate when it gets dark and I haven't done anything. Makes me feel like I've wasted a day, although logically I know I will still be awake and able to do things for about 8 more hours. I recently read an article on 30 day trials in habit-changing, where you tell yourself you will change something for 30 days, and see how that goes. The thinking is that it takes about 30 days to form a habit, but also that you have a discernible goal, and you can tell yourself that it only lasts that long, and after the 30 day trial period, if you don't think the benefits outweight the negatives, you can go back.

So today is the 9th of February. From the next 30 days (until 2nd March) I will attempt to go to bed at 12 at the latest and wake up at 9 at the latest (this really is early for me).

Wish me luck. :)

Sundays

I have very recently made a new rule for myself. And that is, if at all possible, I should do what I want and not do what I don't want to do on Sundays.

Weirdly I never realised how self-restrained I have become. My automatic reaction when I crave a junk food snack is to ignore myself, or try a substitute such as water or fruit or fruit juice. When I feel I want to watch a TV show I tell myself I should write a job application first.

Today (yesterday) I pigged out whilst watching Roswell Episode 1. Crisps, lin go (chinese sticky cake thingy for new years), and something else (I forget now) were all consumed. It felt suprisingly like freedom.

I also tidied my room though, because I have become so anxious about the state it is in, that I enjoyed tidying it up knowing that it would be clear and uncluttered at the end of the exercise.

I feel that, despite the fact that I have no job, I have become more anxious about my time and how I spend it, how to get the best use of my time. It seems like I have spent days doing nothing and it drives me crazy when I have a large to-do list. I know I am working my way through it, but it is far too slow.

Club

The music is loud, undanceable dance tunes I have never heard. Lights flash, sometimes blindingly in my eyes, and the air is hot and humid. Overhead an exposed pipe sporadically drips condensation. People around me look like they are enjoying themselves. But then again, appearances can be deceiving. Afterall, I must look like I am enjoying myself too. The only person I can see who doesn't look like she's enjoying herself is the birthday girl. I think she is a bit too drunk to pretend. I know she would happier elsewhere, but I think with her friends looking like they are having a good time, it would be impolite to suggest it.

I throw some shapes, waving my arms around and smiling. I try the robot, the wave, the big fish, small fish, the DJ, the drunken sway. None feel right with the music and I just want to go home and sort my life out. Inside my head I am wondering about the time. When is it appropriate, polite, to cut and run? Definitely not before midnight, nor on midnight. At half-past other friends are leaving, and I tag along on the out, relieved. "Sorry, I'm not as young as I used to be!" I make my excuses, wish her happy birthday, and leave, feeling guilty. But I know my presence really can't make much of a difference and our absences would possibly hasten her bedtime, so I tell myself that my leaving is efficient.