I miss Jeff Buckley and his crooked teeth.

 

I met a boy in Indonesia who I was quite close to.  He tried to talk to me about religion and I sat him down one day and made him listen to Hallelujah, Jeff Buckley style.  I don't think he quite understood.  I asked him what he thought it was about, and he said he thought it was about the man who was singing trying to come to terms with his god.  It wasn't his fault.  He was far from fluent in English, and I guess I shouldn't have expected much.  But I was still disappointed.

weekend

Spent the weekend trying to dispel the notion that has crept into my head in the past month or so that I am a loser.  Insidious tentacles quietly wrap bright active colourful braincells... turning them weak, grey, unhappy.

 

Maybe it is the winter and the hours and the constant rejections but lately I feel the old ghosts coming back, creeping up to let me know that they have not really been vanquished forever, that they still wait in the wings for the opportune moments to invade.

 

There are times when I want to shudder and cower, but I know this time that I have won before, and I am even stronger now, and I can win again.  Please please let me win again.

 

Saturday afternoon kicked it off, it wasn't the best of starts.  I found myself starting out on the wrong end of the damn climate change march.  A friend had left for China to do his PhD left without telling me, my friend who offered to buy me lunch was in Guildford, my sister was going off to Croydon, and the friend who had come down to visit London wasn't picking up her phone.  Massive waves of loserness hit me.  But, I reminded myself, I am a fighter, not a drowner, so I headed towards the march and met them partway, spotting my friends in the crowd and joining in, making light of the big loser I was in marching on Westminster by myself.

 

And it was a good day.  I had a good time.  By the end of the evening stumbling home in the cold I no longer felt like a loser.

 

Today I met up with another friend.  I went shopping for Christmas gifts.  Didn't really get much of anything apart from a couple of sweaters for myself.

 

I may be going overboard on the clothing purchases but I think my mother will be happy that I am actually getting new decent clothes, and £40 for 2 sweaters that can be worn to work and casually really isn't that bad.  I also have made plans with my sister to hit up T.M. Lewin on Thursday night (late night shopping) to take up the 3 for £60 shirt offer.  I have also decided that tomorrow night I will re-start on the job applications.  I may have lost my original letters and CVs on my broken computer (*sob* but also must make a note to check on fixing that during lunch tomorrow), but I must have things in my sent box in gmail that will help.

 

No more doggy paddling just to stay above the surface.  It's time to start swimming.