Ah.

I've discovered the answer.

I can't take it when people who love me stop loving me.  It reduces me.  I am still that small attention-seeking child crying out for all to love her.  Still the child who got excluded from a secret in 2nd grade, the child who read extra-double-fast to be included in a club in 4th grade, the child who felt forgotten in the 7th, and again in the 9th.

When there is no one left who loves me I think I may very well lose my sanity.

Do I feel safe writing about this now?

Jesus christ I miss the days when we were sane.

Faces

I did it twice in Indonesia - I trusted and liked 2 people immediately by their faces.

The first person I trusted and liked immediately was my supervisor - and this turned out to be a good judgement call as he turned out to be a very kind and welcoming man.  Why did I trust him?  I will never tell him this, but it's because his face reminded me of the kind happy indonesian gym instructors that were all around me when I was younger and my mother used to spend most of her time at the gym.

The second person I trusted and liked straightaway was a man I interviewed at my first village - who I had been warned may be garrulous due to his dissenting view of the company.  But as soon as I saw his face I immedately said to myself "that is a kind man", and he turned out very courteous and happy to explain his thoughts, though politely, on the company.  Of course I only met him for a couple hours so I don't know whether he really is a kind man or not.  I don't know whose face his reminded me of, but it must've been someone kind from my childhood.

I know it's wrong to trust people by their faces, but I couldn't help it with these two.

That's it little girl - no more internet for you!

I have an iBook!  It is beyoootiful!  *cackle*

I hope to head to the British Library tomorrow (despite stoopidly losing my card) and sit down with my iBook and pummel out some chapters.  wooh!