Hayfever, rain, insomnia, and the returning anxiety about growing up

Summer blew in on a light breeze bringing with it a plethora of daisies, sun a-plenty, rapid grass growth, and a bloody nose for me.

After having tried various medicines in the past which either a) made me drowsy or b) had caffeine in it, I decided to go for a bit of alternative this year. So I made my way down to Napiers and a very nice girl helped me and sold me the Hayfever nettle remedy. I took a shot of the stuff which didn't taste too awful... and I realised it tasted a lot like some various alcohols I have tried. I checked the label and sure enough... all those weird plant ingredients were mixed up in an alcohol and water base.

I'm still taking it... it's not enough to give me a rash but I have a feeling it might be contributing to my recent spate of insomnia.

My body's decided it'd be fun to not sleep for a while, so I'm stuck staring at the ceiling and thinking random unpleasant thoughts for several hours ever night. I decided not to even try sleeping tonight until about 4 to see if it helps. I should really be studying, I guess that would help put me to sleep....!

It's been raining a lot recently, I like it and not only because it brings down pollen levels. There's something enchanting about the rain in Edinburgh... the way it collects in pools on the cobblestones and the way falling rain sparkles off lights, and the umbrellas and rushing people and the relief of ducking into a cafe dripping wet for some nice hot beverage. It keeps me indoors as well, not anxious to go outside, to wander while I should be indoors studying.

I ordered my train tickets home a few days ago, and it really helped make a point to me that my life here is nearly ending. I guess it'll always make me anxious when I know that my life is about to change to such a large extent. I might come back next year, but more and more I feel that I shouldn't. I guess I'd be trying to hold onto what I have now, but it'd be vastly different next year, a lot of my friends are leaving and I'll be studying an entirely different course. I would like to hold on to what I still can, but I think it might be easier for me to just let it go all at once and move on.

It's tough saying goodbye to people and knowing you probably won't be living in the same city as them ever again, and weird to know that after this, people are going to get jobs, married, houses, and kids.

I was talking to a friend the other night and he said something along the lines of:
"I look at all of you and see where you're going, jobs, the career path, all of that, and no offense, but I don't want that for myself. I want to start my own business, be my own boss..."
and I can see where he's coming from. I don't want to be tied down, working long hours for a company I don't really care about, selling my soul to The Man. I want to believe in what I'm doing, which I guess, is why I'm doing my MSc.

It'd be nice to have piles of money, but I had a couple of incidents with rich people I know and their lifestyle made me feel some sort of aversion. It's weird when I grew up around it, and my mother expects me to love it enough to work my fingers off for it.

I want to shirk some responsibility and run off to another end of the world for a while, somewhere where no one is getting on to me about finding a career and doing something with my life. I'm still young, damnit. There's plenty of time for that. I guess my ideal situation would be to get a bar job in Bali and code in my spare time and create some amazing program that will change the world.

*dreams*