I can't believe it's already been 28 days since I handed in my dissertation. That's like... a month. Well, February. It's 4 weeks.

I suppose some significant things have happened, but unlike most Significant Things, it hasn't made the time seem longer, but shorter.

I'm famous.

In a way. I was ill. I got better. I pulled off the heroine trick by fighting while ill and still pulling it off. Silver medalist, baby! Second best of the Scottish Universities. Second best. Still not the best... but I'm getting there.

I plugged into something, into crazy emotion that I never knew I could plug into before. And it was great and horrible and faces got bashed (including mine) and by the end of it all I just wanted to collapse on the ground and throw up. But then again I wanted to do that before it started, just not as much.

What does this mean? It means I'm recognised at competitions. People know who I am. People come up and talk to me who I've never talked to in my life, and they know my name. I didn't even know they existed until that moment when they say my name. It means the Scottish Champion tells me I did well. It means the refs are pleased with themselves for noticing me when I was a junior, for investing in me. It means that if I ever have kids they can brag that their mother was once a silver medalist in the Scottish Universities, and don't you dare mess with her! It also means that I have something to prove now. That every competition, from now on, I have to do well in. There's no going out in the first round, no performing badly because I'm tired and can't be bothered.

I got hurt. I knew I would, I just didn't expect that much hurt. But it was ok, because I used it and I got over it, and I was right, and now I know I was right, I'm going to be even more insufferable because now I have more faith in my decisions.

I've had a week of chilling, work, and partying, which has been amazing. Nothing like getting over a bruised ego like winning a limbo competition and then being fought over. Mind you, not being fought over in a physical way, 'cause that would just be ridiculous. But, you know, the "pay attention to me!!" kind of way, which is just flattering.

I deceptively feel like I have a bit more free time now, and I have some decisions to make regarding my future. I'm going to open up as many options as possible, obviously, but I'm going to have to make a decision at some point, which is kinda scary.

I'm dropping karate for a week because I've recently been feeling 'blah' about it. Feeling 'blah' about karate is not new, but it's been a while since I've felt this way. I think I just need some time away. That doesn't just mean no training, it also means no videos, no people (well, as much as possible, seeing as I live with one), no kicking people in the head randomly, no practicing kata in my head or while walking, and no spur of the moment fighting. I'm going cold turkey, and hopefully I'll miss it so much I'll come back with a vengeance.

Apparently winning a silver medal extinguished the fire instead of making it larger.

I'm just gonna relax. Do my work. Hang out with people I've not hung out with in a while. Watch movies. I watched 3 movies last night and 1 tonight. Think about my future, maybe come somewhere closer to a decision. Maybe think about boys. I feel like a third wheel at the moment with a new relationship that's started around me. I'm stuck smack bang in the middle, and I'm the only person there. It's really really weird. So in the middle that people are talking menage trois (though they are only joking. I hope). However, I think I need to make my mind up about my future before I even start thinking about boys. Plus there're hearts I don't want to bruise, egotistical of me to say it, but judging from past events I guess I better start taking responsibility. I've never taken the thought that people would have a crush on me very seriously, and I guess that has been A Bad Thing for me to do, judging from statistics. If you had told me about this 5 years ago I would have thought you were insane. I guess thats schoolWallflowers++.

I'm up for doing random things. I'm talking going to a ball by myself, meeting couple people and going out to a club with them afterwards. I'm talking hanging with my supposed enemies and having great two-hour long conversations with someone I've barely spoken to before, someone I've always disliked as a supposed enemy. I'm talking spur of the moment meeting a friend's brother and going to a jazz bar til late. I'm talking watching movies with a friend until 4am and crashing on couches. It makes me feel like I'm living.

(yes, that is an Alanis Morissette quote. The first 3 albums I ever bought were bought on the same purchase and they were Jagged Little Pill, The Lion King Soundtrack, and the Batman Forever sountrack. Hows that for variety?)

I've just handed in my visualisation practical which was due 13 hours ago. After dissertation I slept... I had set aside time to do this work but I spent it sleeping... and sleeping... and sleeping...

On Saturday I went to bed at 9 and woke up at midnight and wrote 600 words about my upbringing, played around on the net then went back to bed at 5.

<>I had this vision while I was doing my dissertation, that when I finished I would get my life back. And in a way I have, I am now back at training (3 weeks of no training is pretty sucky), and I'm trying to sort out non-coursework related stuff... and I have slept, but I still feel like I am wandering around in twilight zone. I walked into the labs last night and needed a large share of long-lasting hugs, and chocolate. I ate a whole Cadbury's Easter egg though and felt really ill afterwards. Not the best idea then. But at least it made me feel better eating it and I got through some work.

On Thursday night Cat and I went for a walk and it occurred to me how nice it was to be outside in the fresh air just walking... not trying to get from one place to the other as fast as possible so I could spend more time doing work... and it was incredible just how pleasant it was.

And then I look at all that I've got planned this month and the next and then it's exams and then we *graduate* and it just takes my breath away. It makes me feel so grown up, and when I tell myself I'm 22 I can hardly believe it. But the crazy thing is, that I have to believe it because I don't feel like any other age. I'm not a kid, and I've thankfully grown past those awkward teenage years, and I have a bank account and cook my own meals and manage my own time. Ever since I have come to University I have looked back every year and realised I have grown a lot in that year, and I'm more sure of myself than I have ever been. But the thing that strikes me the most is that *kids lookup to me*.

I think about life after graduation and it's pretty scary. Coming to University was my first step into the big world, and Edinburgh was a last minute thing, and I have loved it here. I am very aware that I have no plans after graduation apart from my vague "I will apply for masters. Sometime this week. Really", and it seems like I could end up anywhere doing anything and I could love it or hate it or become mundane with it. After this relatives will expect me to get a career, find a husband, settle down, have kids. But I can't see myself living that life, but I guess I can never see myself doing anything but whatI am doing here and now.

It's why I dread that question "Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10?" even more than most people. See myself? I see myself in some random country, doing some random thing. Where, what? I guess even though I'm an atheist I will say it's entirely up to fate. I would like to believe we make our own destiny, but from what I've experienced in my life things happen whether you want them to or not, the unexpected happens and your life changes.

I guess that went off topic a little. But the general theme is... time is passing by. Maybe we should all be a bit more aware of this, should think harder about that phrase "spend your time wisely".

Growing up

Although I swore I didn't want to write a single word for at least a month after my 9500 word monster, I have just written about 700 words about my upbringing (and only used the thesaurus once!). Though I procrastinated a lot at first (how many times can you check cuteoverload to see if something new is up?) it was a million times faster than writing my dissertation. It was also really *weird*.

You can't write about your upbringing without in a sense going back to it and experiencing it in some way. And it's a really strange sensation to go back to it when recently I have felt more and more like I am leaving my childhood behind. I'm 22, have just handed in my dissertation, and in a few months I will be graduating University, and if it weren't for the fact that I am planning on doing a Masters, I would be searching for a job and a place to live. Recently I've been worrying about the future of my beloved EUSKC and tonight I spent a couple of hours going over some stuff; it kind of feels like I'm putting my affairs in order, neatening the papers and cleaning up the desk for the next person in line, regretting I couldn't do more to help them. The only thing that would make me feel even older would be if one of my sisters got engaged (but that's not going to happen anytime soon, right?). As it is, Facebook tells me some of my childhood friends are married and some have kids.

And then to go from all of that back to childhood... to writing about school and packed lunches and swim team, birthday parties, orchestra, and mandarin lessons... a life so far removed that I can hardly believe it is *mine*!

Can these two disparate parts of my life ever be reconciled? Is there glue that will fix together separate continents and times, or will I always think of my childhood as something different, something someone else lived?