reflection

So at the moment I'm talking to my teammate (the same one mentioned below) and we're going over his british university final fight and I just remember all of last year that was his eternal goal... to beat this one guy and to take gold at the british universities. And I saw him go through these incredible lows because it was just this one thing he wanted so much but couldn't get... (he never won a fight against this guy until that fight) and he tried so incredibly hard, and then all of a sudden he turned it around and he took it... and it was incredibly well-earned.

And I know I just don't care that much about my karate... although I've come very close over the last few weeks. And I wonder if it's because I don't allow myself to care about it... because when I do, that's it for me. I'll be just like him... going back for more everytime I lose, getting frustrated, trying harder, getting lower, and maybe there won't be a win for me, and I'll always be just not good enough.

I hate it that I train harder than one of my teammates and she's still better than me. I hate it that she's automatically chosen over me when it comes to captainship, or the women's team, or the open. Despite the fact that I train harder, I put in more hours, I go to more competitions to get in more fights for the experience, I care more.

And in the past I've accepted it. I've said "yes, she's got real talent, she is much better than me, oh well". But now I'm getting to that danger level where I'm caring and I really want that win against her. I'm not comfortable anymore to be eclipsed by her, and I don't think it's fair that she's better than me, and I know I'm stupid for thinking so. But I think it all the same.

I know when she gets in there her determination takes over and she's all "win win win" and there's nothing else in the world - and I know I'm just not that focussed. I'm far too chilled out.

And following all that I know this is a really bad time to start caring about my karate. If anything I should be taking a step away from it and concentrating on my studying. But at the same time I'm aware that when I finish University I might not get the same exposure to karate as I do now... being able to train 8 hours a week with fantastic people who inspire me and attend all these competitions.

I was speaking to an ex-Jitsu the other day, and he said I had to learn to let go of karate, and be aware that it performs some purpose in my life, but I will need to leave it eventually. In the back of my mind I've always thought this, but when he actually said this I rebelled against it. Why should it be something I leave behind? Why can't it be something that I can carry through for the rest of my life? It'll keep me young at any rate... I look at the head of my federation who's 60 and in fantastic shape. No fear of him falling over and breaking a brittle hip.

And then I imagine myself in 20 years time being this middle-aged woman practicing karate (badly) and bumping into my team-mate who'll say incredulously "you're still doing that? Gosh I quit after uni... just got bored of it, you know? I mean it was great winning all those medals but I just lost interest..." and somehow, some way, this'll make me feel like I've wasted my time all those years practicing karate.