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Independent Online Edition > Environment

Third Culture Kids - Pollock, van Reken

George....

You know what Valerie did wrong? You know how you ended up the way you did and I the way I did? Did she have no compassion or did she just not even think about it? How the hell did she separate the both of us so that we didn't even meet until 2 years later and let us go through what we did?

Yes, I still rage about it. I still think we could've stabilised each other. Look how much we did for each other when we finally did meet. Well, that is, at least look how much you did for me. I hope I did something for you. I guess she might've been worried (if she had even thought about it at all) that we could've formed a little two-people clique and destroyed ourselves... but I sincerely believe that we would've done alright with each other.

So I got a book today - I'm more than halfway through the 300 paged TCK book... and you should probably read it. It explains a damn lot. Most of it I've figured out by myself but as I'm reading little bits of my life or my personality faults flash into my brain and I go "damn... that's why".

In this book I see my relationship with Ian. The whole time I was in that relationship I "knew" it wouldn't last... from the very beginning. Why? Because, apart from my family who are stuck with me I've never experienced a relationship that has lasted. I either leave my closest friends or they leave me, and forget me. Not pointing any fingers here, but there we go. All apart from Vashti and Eamon.... apart from Vashti forgets me everytime she gets a boyfriend (but comes back... eventually) and Eamon wasn't even a close friend to start with... he was just someone who didn't go away (you know I love you!).

Even in the best moments I'd be telling myself to soak it up as much as possible while it lasted and be busy remembering him... because I knew when he left I would want those memories.

I also see my total coldness and lack of affection.... something that drove him up the wall, and I truly admire that he stuck with it for so long, especially as he never seemed to know me at all.

I see friends. Like a friend's sudden and total anger that erupts at small things, confusing friends who see him take much bigger things calmly. It makes so much more sense now.

I see me the day my parents dropped me off at university in first year... feeling total and unexpected loss.... being abandonned again, even though I was the one doing the abandonning.

This book is fucking insane.

Well... call me sad... but following another couple of incidents I decided to count up and in the past 15 months I have turned down 15 guys.... saving them from this fate.

That's a 1 a month average for the past 15 months. !!!

Proposed Masters....

http://www.geos.ed.ac.uk/postgraduate/MSc/mscprogrammes/envdev/

http://www.see.ed.ac.uk/research/IES/msc/

http://www.geos.ed.ac.uk/postgraduate/MSc/mscprogrammes/mscgec/

reflection

So at the moment I'm talking to my teammate (the same one mentioned below) and we're going over his british university final fight and I just remember all of last year that was his eternal goal... to beat this one guy and to take gold at the british universities. And I saw him go through these incredible lows because it was just this one thing he wanted so much but couldn't get... (he never won a fight against this guy until that fight) and he tried so incredibly hard, and then all of a sudden he turned it around and he took it... and it was incredibly well-earned.

And I know I just don't care that much about my karate... although I've come very close over the last few weeks. And I wonder if it's because I don't allow myself to care about it... because when I do, that's it for me. I'll be just like him... going back for more everytime I lose, getting frustrated, trying harder, getting lower, and maybe there won't be a win for me, and I'll always be just not good enough.

I hate it that I train harder than one of my teammates and she's still better than me. I hate it that she's automatically chosen over me when it comes to captainship, or the women's team, or the open. Despite the fact that I train harder, I put in more hours, I go to more competitions to get in more fights for the experience, I care more.

And in the past I've accepted it. I've said "yes, she's got real talent, she is much better than me, oh well". But now I'm getting to that danger level where I'm caring and I really want that win against her. I'm not comfortable anymore to be eclipsed by her, and I don't think it's fair that she's better than me, and I know I'm stupid for thinking so. But I think it all the same.

I know when she gets in there her determination takes over and she's all "win win win" and there's nothing else in the world - and I know I'm just not that focussed. I'm far too chilled out.

And following all that I know this is a really bad time to start caring about my karate. If anything I should be taking a step away from it and concentrating on my studying. But at the same time I'm aware that when I finish University I might not get the same exposure to karate as I do now... being able to train 8 hours a week with fantastic people who inspire me and attend all these competitions.

I was speaking to an ex-Jitsu the other day, and he said I had to learn to let go of karate, and be aware that it performs some purpose in my life, but I will need to leave it eventually. In the back of my mind I've always thought this, but when he actually said this I rebelled against it. Why should it be something I leave behind? Why can't it be something that I can carry through for the rest of my life? It'll keep me young at any rate... I look at the head of my federation who's 60 and in fantastic shape. No fear of him falling over and breaking a brittle hip.

And then I imagine myself in 20 years time being this middle-aged woman practicing karate (badly) and bumping into my team-mate who'll say incredulously "you're still doing that? Gosh I quit after uni... just got bored of it, you know? I mean it was great winning all those medals but I just lost interest..." and somehow, some way, this'll make me feel like I've wasted my time all those years practicing karate.