A watered-down copy of an e-mail I sent Vash

I'm too wound up to sleep at the moment, so thought I'd drop you an e-mail.

So I don't know how often you check Facebook but I wrote a note on it last night about this course called the PURE course that the Christian Union are running that has been the talk of the uni for sometime now... mainly because it is said that in this course they at some point talk about 'curing' homosexuality. Anyway, I mentioned you somewhat in passing as you're Catholic.

I don't know what I'm particularly upset about really, why I'm not happy and peaceful and going to bed.

I had a group project meeting yesterday which is basically where me and my dissertation supervisor have a meeting with a few other students and their supervisors and the students give a short presentation on our project and how much we've done so far. So I went up first and one of the other supervisors was like "well... I don't really see a point to your project. Why is it useful?" and well, my project is about generating new dances so it's not really useful in a scientific sort of way, you know? But it's damn interesting and fun. But I kind of stood there for like 5 minutes while she just kind of went on at me about my uesless project and what work I've not done for it.

You know me, I'm pretty chill about most things. So at the end I just said "thank you" and sat down. But goddamnit that bugs me so much. Ok I've not done a LOT of work for it but I've done a bit, and I was quite proud of what I've done. And like I'm used to things bugging me and then forgetting about them and it rolling off like water on a duck's back. But I'm having a little trouble letting go of this.

I thought karate tonight will get it out of my system, but I walked away from karate even more distressed because my team mate got a finger in his eye and had a scratched cornea.

Now things ALWAYS happen to him.... and I do mean always. A couple of weeks ago he got knocked out with a kick to the head and had a concussion. A couple of weeks before that he twisted his knee and was hobbling around for a good 2 weeks. Last year he got his nose broken. And that's the only injury I can remember because it was the biggest one, but he did have quite a few. Last year he got so depressed about getting injured so often that he was honestly thinking of quitting fighting... until he won a gold medal at the british universities, of course.

Now I'm worried he'll get discouraged again... despite the fact that he's doing really really well lately. His fighting has definitely been turned up a few notches and has inspired me to take mine up a few notches myself. And I hate that he keeps on getting injured... because it really isn't his fault, and I do feel so bad for him.

Dude this year is so tough... I know I already told you how stressed out I am about it... but yeah. Also with the karate club... I'm worried it might not survive to next year. I'm worried that the committee members don't come to training.... and I have no control over it. I know it's not my burden to carry, but I care so much about my club, and I'm so frustrated at my committee that they can't commit to the club the way I have, that they aren't making the club as best as it can be.

I'm trying to be a leader the best way I can... I've got Jon-O as my rolemodel but it's just not working. And everytime I have a problem with the committee I do think "How would Jon-O handle this?"... except it's not very applicable to go from a summer camp director to the captain of a karate club.

So.... I had an awful weekend. It was like the weekend from hell. And it really shouldn't have been. Because on Saturday afternoon I had a lovely lunch with Eamon, and on Saturday evening a lovely dinner party with Cat. But sometime between lunch and dinner I got destroyed, and this carried on until Sunday, and I've crashed. I'm just about recovering now.

I went to a kata class last night I wasn't going to go to... I turned up in jeans and a t-shirt and felt much calmer/alive for it afterwards.

funny how karate can destroy me and bring me back to life.

Also, I'm quite amazed by how calming it is to make a cup of tea and sit down and drink it. I arrived at Cat's majorly distressed but once I'd made a cup of tea and sat down with it, I was 75% less distressed.

arrrgh

what is with my hair falling out???

mrmmm

It's slightly disconcerting and burdensome and enlightening when you suddenly realise you love someone.

You know that feeling. When you're walking down the hallway thinking of someone you've known for a while and then it hits you... that you've loved them for some time now, really, and the temporary denial ("no... not another one...") that comes with the fear of loving someone new (another person who can affect me), then the acceptance.

In other news I got my first medal in a senior category yesterday at BASKA. It was quite funny 'cause I learnt Bassai Dai on Tuesday night, practiced it until I could do it without prompts on Wednesday night, perfected it with Ah.med on Saturday, and performed it on Sunday to win my opening round.

I lost my first fight, but was quite pleased with it. The girl had obviously been fighting a lot longer than I have and I managed to score quite a few points on her until she came back with some san-bons. I got hit quite hard in the head several times though, but don't tell my mother that!

The highlight of the day though was Ah.med judging the fights... Ah.med and the team were over the moon. We sat and watched him and counted how many people cried (11!). We were all very proud of him. :)

Martial Arts & Religion

Well, I'm kinda sad right now because I was just on Facebook looking at photos of someone who used to be a close friend... until his girlfriend drove us apart with her wild insane jealousy. We can't even be friends on Facebook. It's his birthday in 2 days, and I'll just pretend I don't know.

I'll tell you one thing though. Once we were sitting on a friend's bed helping him with some work, and I was eating ice cream. I offered him some and spoon fed him and he looked at me and said "Why is it you always want what you can't have?" I blinked at him, taken back. Our friend turned around and went "WHAT?" and he innocently replied "I'm lactose-intolerant". He was talking about the ice cream, of course.

----

Religion. You know what I want to talk about? One truth, Love. It's true. Religions are different interpretations of that one truth, but they all come back to it. And yet. And yet all this carnage and violence... in the name of religion. I cannot understand it. I've read often enugh in books that some people believe all religions to worship the one God... they just call him/her different names... and choose to worship him/her in different ways. I can find peace in that.

I know it's ridiculous for me to say this, but it's the same with the martial arts. There is no one true, right, martial art. And yet, the novices all still squabble. "My martial art is the best... yours is rubbish!"... and I put my head in my hands and sigh. But as they progres... they learn. This is what my martial art can teach me. If there are other people with other martial arts who can teach me something, I will go learn. I will not stand proud and say "I will not learn from you, you are not of my martial art". Learn what you can from who you can.

Margaret Chan - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Margaret Chan - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: "There are concerns in Hong Kong about her ability to lead the WHO after her failure to successfully control SARS in Hong Kong. She believed false information spread by the health authority in Chinese mainland and did not act swiftly, indirectly leading to the death of 299 people. Her inaction was criticised by LegCo and many Hong Kong citizens, especially SARS victims. "

omg. What a terrible burden to carry.

Oh man. I had a pretty f*cked up dream last night. It involved Elton John, drawing, one of my friends, the supermarket, my mom, and vileness.

*sigh*

I keep promising myself that I will stop going on about relationships and guys who have asked me out and my love life in general because really this isn't part of my life at all (apart from the now becoming humorous once-monthly asking out from random guy) but when I read this I had to post it and explain.

"I don't mean that anything is better than being alone. I mean that the strange longing that comes with being *together* but apart-from-each-other will fade. The you-shaped hole in my chest that appeared when you stepped out for a newspaper and disappeared when you returned (hollering about the headlines) will heal over. It's the most sad and wonderful benefit."

I guess this is why I've just told everyone "no". No, I will not go out with you. No, I will not go out with him. No, I will not go out with anyone for the time being. When I explain/complain that they (boyfriends) take up too much time people say "but you don't have to spend that much time with them!".... but then what is the point? If I don't spend that much time with them and don't care then why am I going out with them? If I don't spend that much time and do care.... why I'd just be walking around with a big him-shaped hole in my heart which would just suck. And I don't have time for this moping around thinking "I'd much rather be with... *insert name here*".... I'm juggling 4th year and captainship and organising stuff!

But I liked that post. It explained perfectly. It also reminded me why I was so fantastic at karate last year. Karate kept me sane and I put 100% amount of effort into it everyone single session... enough to temporarily fill the hole for those glorious 2 hours. Funny how when you're emotionally suffering the physical suffering is welcomed... how you feel like you deserve it, somehow.