It's been a while since I walked down that way, and as I was walking I remembered... remembered this time last year walking down that way and thinking of you. I remembered seeing the trees grown diagonally and wishing you were there, to turn to you and point out how the wind in this city had shaped the growth of the trees. I remembered missing you so much in that moment - but also realising that I had just gotten used to having you around, used to having someone to bounce my thoughts off, to make random observations, to reassure me when I was anxious. And from that moment I could start making distinctions between missing you and missing a boyfriend. It didn't make the missing any easier but I realised more and more that I wasn't missing you as much as I missed having a boyfriend, and I realised how much of my independence I'd given up for you.

So now I am whole and strong again I rarely miss having you around, and I can look you in the eyes without a betrayal of myself, although when I serve you tea my hands still shake, because you cannot reassure me anymore.