-_-

Stayed in bed until 3 today.... couldn't be bothered to get up.

Have been in a melancholy mood lately... combination of being ill and under pressure to find a job. My mind keeps on bouncing around when I think to myself "what should I do when I graduate?" On the one hand I would like to have lots and lots of money. On the other hand I've met too many amazing people this summer who make do without and have amazing lives.

Earlier in the semester I felt that the Universe had decided to gently nudge me in the direction of Graphics.... what with a series of random encounters with people and coincidences. But damn, this stuff is hard to get into! The sheer amount of competition from everyone else wanting to do graphics is just too giant... let alone all the companies who are offering jobs... but only for experienced types.

Then there's the money issue.... no doubt I'll be paid well working with graphics, but we're not talking about the same amount of money that other places I'm looking at are offering.

I'm talking houses with wide open areas of land for kids to run around in, I'm talking trips to places I've always wanted to see, no financial worries, etc. etc. etc....

Then there's the TCK in me wanting the travel. I love Edinburgh, but I've been here too long. I need somewhere new, somewhere exciting. I miss Asia.... so much.

I want to close my mind to all these things and just concentrate on getting through the year and doing well, but I have to find a job... or at least try. And everytime I go to Accenture and click on the "fill in application form" something in me screams "business suit!" and I close the window with a sigh. It's not what I want. It's close... yes, but I don't want the professional world.

MmmBop

So my flatmate left the television on this morning, and I was just about to reach over and turn it off, when the MmmBop video came on.

I sat down in front of the t.v., crosslegged, bowl of porridge in my hand forgotten, and was completely captivated. I don't know when the last time I saw this video was.... but it is adorable.

Little Zac with his braids and adrogynous Taylor in his adrogynous clothes and dorky Isaac.... too cute for words. It is a random montage of the boys playing in their living room, playing around on random blue screens, running around the beach, roller blading, and one random exceprt of them pretending to plant a flower (plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose).

I'm tempted to try and write out the lyrics from memory (yes, I had them memorised... once). In fact I've written out the first 7 lines, but seem to have forgotten the rest, though I would happily paraphrase.

You have so many relationships in this life
Only one or two really last
You go through all this pain and strife
You turn your back and they're gone so fast.

So hold on to the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there.
When you grow old and lose your hair...

As always, I am struck by how unfrivolous these lyrics are, despite the fact that the song itself is only remembered as a catchy nonsense tune ("mmmbop, what does that mean?!"). In fact, I can answer that question, it is a moment in time. They sing "in an mmmbop they're gone".... and in my interpretation that means "in the time it takes to say mmmbop they're gone"... but shorter.

But, I've said it many times before, and I'll say it again. As annoying and dumb as most people think the song is, the lyrics apply to my life.

Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose.
You can plant any one of those
Keep planting until one of them grows
Which one will, no one knows

(again, quoted from memory and quite possibly paraphrased). Pertaining to relationships, which is what the song is about, I have always taken these lyrics to mean that any relationship might last, and you're not going to know which one it is. Case in point.... when I was hanging out at Eamon's a few weeks ago and we were being nostalgic. I turned to him and said "but you know, out of all those people, I really didn't expect to keep in contact with you". And he said "yeah, me too". And yet, he is the only one who I still talk to, who is still always there for me, who I give presents to at birthday/christmas time. If you had asked me then, in 1998, I would've said without hesitation "Elaine and Danni". Yet Elaine didn't even get in contact with me when I was in the USA to meet up, and Danni is married.... and I learnt that off facebook.

Anyway. I suppose I will re-read the lyrics and post them here.

You have so many relationships in this life
Only one or two will last
You're going through all this pain and strife
Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast
And they're gone so fast
So hold on the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there
When you get old and start losing your hair
Can you tell me who will still care
Can you tell me who will still care

Mmm bop.... etc.

Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose
You can plant any one of those
Keep planting to find out which one grows
It's a secret no one knows
It's a secret no one knows

Mmmbop....etc.

In an mmm bop they're gone.
In an mmm bop they're not there.
In an mmm bop they're gone.
In an mmm bop they're not there.
Until you lose your hair. but you don't care.

(repeat chorus)

Can you tell me? you say you can but you don't know.
Can you tell me which flower's going to grow?
Can you tell me if it's going to be a daisy or a rose?
Can you tell me which flower's going to grow?
Can you tell me? you say you can but you don't know.

Annoyed/angry/bemused.

Not fucking sad though.

I'm annoyed/angry at my flatmate who keeps on breaking things in the flat and then going "see this is why I like renting, because I don't have to worry about fixing things"..... well don't fucking break them then! At the moment a part of the fridge is broken, and the doorknob to the frontdoor, and there's a hole in the bathroom wall. Which, to be fair, I'm not sure is her (it could've been the summer tennants) but since she has a habit of slamming doors open and shut in the morning (wakes me up) I suspect it is her.

I'm also annoyed/angry at one of my committee members who doesn't come to training and seems to think that lying to me about "too much work" is better than saying "don't want to come". Then following up with lengthy visits to the pub. Too much work... my ass. Have ranted to my co-captain about it in an e-mail though, and he might get me to see the other side of the coin. I.e. I'm a controlling bitch who expects perfection and lying to me is a hell lot easier than saying "I don't like karate, yet I'm on the committee, and I'm doing the best I can on the committee, if not at training".

I'm bemused at the fact that I drank mate tea for the first time tonight and felt absolutely lightheaded... whether from the tea, lack of food, being ill, or a combination of 2 or all of them, I don't know. I then got the barmaid's e-mail address, came home, and threw it up. So, really, tonight was pretty much like a "Zara gets drunk for the first time" experience. Except not drunk, as if I did, someone might have to rush me to the hospital. I blame it on the barmaid. She only told me about the amphetamine-like properties of the tea after I had maybe 4 cups of it.

As for the e-mail address.... it's true the boys thought she was hot and wouldn't mind having her e-mail address. However despite recent rumours going around that I might be interested in girls..... it was about the fact that she closes up by herself in the Cowgate. I was absolutely horrified and took her e-mail so I could recommend her to some self-defence classes.

I'm also bemused by the fact that I saw a "let's trick Zara into going on a date with me" coming from 5 miles off.... twice.... in 2 weeks.... which I wouldn't have this time last year but fortunately or unfortunately the year's practice of rejecting boys (10 if I haven't forgotten any and we don't count the old man and the middle aged man at Philly airport) and going on two accidental dates has given me astonishing powers for predicting what's up their sleeve. By the way... if you're a guy... don't ever fucking do that. That is the one thing I hate the most. Tricking a girl to go on a date with you might get you a date with the girl... but only because a) she would've done it anyway or b) she couldn't find any other way out of it except by being excessively arrogant and bitchy. So. Be clear. It might be a hell lot more frightening, but she will appreciate it. Especially if she's interested in you.

Don't ask me what it is. I'm pretty sure I'm not excessively pretty or charming or flirty... yet it has gotten to the point where I'm glad that the cute nice guy at the party last night didn't try to get my phone number. Say it with me now. W.T.F.

Procrastination x-treme

I found this on Eamon's old blog (nope, no link, sorry. Unless you're Eamon and forgot and want to ask me where it is) and thought I'd fill it in. After that it's back to work. Really.

Screw that. It was a dumb survey. I also almost forgot to replace Eamon's name with my own. That's how interested I was. Back to work then.

Self Defence Class for Girls

I don't want to jinx it, but oh my god I'm so excited! I can see the end! I can see the classes going ahead! I can see and smell and taste success.... in all its glorified sweat and blood.

We're so close.... I think if we were to be turned down now I wouldn't know what to do. It wouldn't be the end of it, I suppose, I would just tell every single girl I know to go to G's class and wish him the best.

I think this is truly the first time that there is a project I have started and seen through and not given up before I could see the end.

It's the middle point that ends me... where I no longer have the enthusiasm of the start, I have no idea where to go to next, and the end is nowhere in sight. G has really pushed me through the middle point and I must thank him when we get there... that horizon yonder with the sun rising breaking the darkness of night. From here on in the road is lit and I know we can get there... if we just keep on plodding, keep on pushing.

Snow Patrol

People upstairs are playing Snow Patrol. Bringing back memories of California... and boys you meet on planes who will take you to the beach and concerts and leave you feeling alone when you stand in the middle of Universal Studios looking up at a giant screen showing a new Snow Patrol video and think that he could be there if you just weren't so worried about it being a date...

I must get album.

Ok.

Well. Deep breath.

Some days I'm stressed, some days I'm not. I'm kicking the caffiene, so that will hopefully help with more of the not. I've got The Spots though, but have decided they will help in the keeping boys away campaign, so not really bothered about them. No caffiene after 4 months of daily caffiene = Headaches. Kept at bay by panadol, which brings on the drowsiness. Have fought drowsiness instead of going to bed or caving into caffiene... which would defeat the purpose.

Black tie event tomorrow. Bruised arms from karate. Too fat for dress. Oh dear.

Bought 2 pairs of jeans on Saturday and 1 pair of docs. Pair of docs gave me blisters. Large piece of toe came off in karate (together with blister juice.... nice) and ran off to travel the world. Blister on left heel bleeding through nice white socks to make crusty pink. A bit eww, a bit oww, but copeable.

Self Defence class on its way... v.excited by things happening. Was telling Ian about the best self defence class in the world ever and he stepped on it. Was, undeniably, hurt, even though I know he doesn't know what he's on about and is a big fat muppet. Thinks he's funny.... he isn't. Tell me he wasn't like this for the year I was with him.... otherwise I will have to add myself to the "love makes us blind" list.

Relationships, relationships.... not going so well this year for many people. Dear oh dear. Have already mopped up 1 bleeding heart + tears, apparently Han is in for much worse time with 3. Am giving out hugs as needed. They do help, you know. Stupidly made friend cry the other week at a party. Forgot she had feelings, really. Insensitive fool that I am. Must know when to stop asking questions. Ln seems to be doing great... yay for her though makes me think whether Ian was this good when he broke up with me. Not that I care muchly anymore (and here, they will point out, the muchly, in attempts to discern my acutal feelings), but am glad I was spared this thought back then.

Have joined the "third culture kids everywhere" group on facebook. I am less alone in the vast strangeness of my accent, or where I'm from, or the belief that nowhere exactly is home... not the "home" I felt before I turned 12 and moved "back home"... and never again.

Watched "Unconvenient Truth" last Thursday with Ln.... we both thought it was a great movie. I wouldn't say we enjoyed it... it's not exactly a movie you would enjoy, but it was thought provoking and strangely strongly emotional... I guess for me especially after the last paragraph I have jokingly answered "the world" when asked "where are you from?" The ending was amazing.... this little blue dot is what the whole of our history has taken place on... all evolution leading up to us, all cultural evolutions, wars, freedoms, human rights. It made me less negative about our population. Apathy is not an excuse for wrongs, and it has not stood in the way of the abolishment of slavery. Sadly I hear myself arguing that it has, at the moment, stood in the way of ridding Darfur of genocide.... but for the moment. It will end soon, right? What about saving our precious earth? Surely this is a fight everyone must join in together.... people of all religions, atheists, agnostics, wasn't this god's gift? Isn't this a miracle of evolution? Shouldn't we preserve this place for future generations.... of people, of plants, of animals?

Went to the careers fair today and yesterday... was quite disappointed at most of it, though did get sucked into the Forestry Commission. They gave me seeds to plant a scots pine... however I have no place to plant the wee thing. It could apparently grow to 20m tall, with roots of 8m in diameter. D's dad is in the forestry commission. D says scots pines are important. No wonder they want us to spread it. What am I going to do when I graduate? What a terrible question....

Going to bed now. Have babbled long. Ooh, dreamt about Phil and JD in Heinz Brown Sauce bottle last night... and generally people from birmingham. At a party perhaps? Goodness knows why. Talked to A.lex about how I ended up in CS today... birmingham and bitchy girls and computer obssessed boys. Or maybe just boy. Have possibly partially convinced A.lex that he is secretly a CS geek in hiding and is doing the wrong major entirely (history, goodness me).

Yeeaaaah bed.

It's been a while since I walked down that way, and as I was walking I remembered... remembered this time last year walking down that way and thinking of you. I remembered seeing the trees grown diagonally and wishing you were there, to turn to you and point out how the wind in this city had shaped the growth of the trees. I remembered missing you so much in that moment - but also realising that I had just gotten used to having you around, used to having someone to bounce my thoughts off, to make random observations, to reassure me when I was anxious. And from that moment I could start making distinctions between missing you and missing a boyfriend. It didn't make the missing any easier but I realised more and more that I wasn't missing you as much as I missed having a boyfriend, and I realised how much of my independence I'd given up for you.

So now I am whole and strong again I rarely miss having you around, and I can look you in the eyes without a betrayal of myself, although when I serve you tea my hands still shake, because you cannot reassure me anymore.

So.... ok. I admit it. I was cranky yesterday.

Can I say I suspect it's because I stepped on glass on Saturday night and there was still a bit of glass in my toe on Sunday morning which I dug out after that post (it hurt like the dickens, by the way), and it was probably a splinter of the troll mirror.

By the way, I read this a while back and really enjoyed it. It is a Harry Potter inspired Snow Queen story.

Tonight I was going to do lots of work - but ended up working on the martial arts website - again. Hopefully it will be out of my way in the next couple of weeks though - I have sent it out to the masses and they will either reply or not reply - it is none of my concern. I will only put up what I get and not go chasing.

Saturday night was the martial arts ball - and it was wonderful. Despite my post on Sunday morning, and the troll glass, I had lots of fun. Last night was the Informatics 4th year night out. I drank some martini and coke and I haven't broken out in a rash! I asked the bartender to only give me half a shot of martini though as opposed to the 1 shot he was giving me. I did stay up until about 4am from the coke, but used the time to program a Love Calculator in Java. And I did! I'm quite proud of myself. It's useless but fun.

For the rest of the evening I'll be trying to get up to scratch on Communication and Concurrency - it's really hard and I know I should drop it but it keeps my attention in class - possibly because it's so hard, but there are moments when I get things, which keeps it interesting.

I baked brownies yesterday - and I have to say they are deeeelicious. Even though I only put 2/3rds the amount of cocoa I was supposed to put in (ran out). They're really quite sweet, but awesome all the same.

I'm tired.

And it seems really egotistical, but I'm really quite sick of guys asking me out, or hitting on me, or even just staring at me.

It was fun and exciting for a while, and made for great stories from America, but I'm trying to get serious about studies and captaincy here and boys just keep getting in my way.

I had a long week. It was ridiculous. It was topped off by Ian coming over for the first time since we broke up and giving me back my stuff. Finally. And I was anxious and nervous and fretting and I wanted to see him but seeing him was not pleasurable - it was just a chore. I have two very different views on my future relationship with Ian - for one I feel like after spending a year being so close to a person and practically joined to the hip we should still be good friends. But I also feel like I have just stopped caring. Like I could not see him ever again and not really care. I wouldn't be happy about it, but I wouldn't be sad about it either.

So maybe I am being disillusioned for the moment - by a failed relationship, by recent talks with A.lex, by the constantly chasing annoying boys. I feel like especially after recent talks with A.lex I should be more compassionate, but I am just annoyed.

I'm going to go hide in my bedroom now.