Matured?

...like a good bottle of wine.

Sorry.

I handled a situation today/yesterday superbly, I think, and I felt I dealt with it in a very mature way.

Ok, enough with the camp counselor speak. Guys, I am awesome. I have grown so much emotionally... and I surprise myself all the time by how much I continue to grow and how I am able to deal with things and handle matters. Every year I continue to grow... and I expect it's because each year has thrown a new challenge in my way. Moving out to University in first year, going out with Ian in second year, dealing with the break-up and multiple asking-outs in third year, and going to camp in the summer.

People think there's not a very large age difference between say 17 and 21, but oh my goodness there is! Throw this situation at me when i was 17 and I would've handled it... but not very well and have totally freaked out and been morose and freaked for days, maybe weeks.

To be fair I kind of freaked out today... but that was from all sorts of stuff including class politics, karate captaincy, dissertation, and kind of stuff mentioned above. It's all just been sitting on my shoulders for a while but I think the class politics pushed it overboard and I had to go home and drink tea and listen to swing music and talk to A.lex to clear my head and the negativity. I also kind of exploded onto Andrew I think... I was eating my lunch and talking to him and I just started coming out with "and then also this is really stressing me out.... and this... and this!"

However now I'm fine. I'm not sure karate helped, but it might've. Now I'm going to bed.

grar

Sitting in the dungeon labs. Trapped by rain. Want to go home and do much of nothing. Was invited to party tonight and should really go.... but really don't want to.

Weary of 4th year and captaincy already. Rewind to summer? No long-standing responsibilities and paid to hang out with kids..........

-_-

Going home to listen to flatmate talk about ex-boyfriend.

It's gloomy today in Edinburgh. It makes me miss.... childhood. Maybe it's not asia I miss, but childhood. It somehow glimmers and shines brightly in my memory, like a bright house on a stormy day. Like a Christmas tree at 6a.m.... as the sun begins to rise. Like being waken up every morning by mum or dad with a flick of the lights.

Somewhere behind the dust and greyness of adolescence it shines.

I miss Asia. :/

I was looking through A.lex's pictures of China.... and the stupidest thing.... a nice mall in Shanghai, triggered it.

*mope*

Tycho Brahe - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Tycho Brahe - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: "Tycho often held large social gatherings in his castle, as he was a member of the nobility. He was said to own one percent of the entire wealth of Denmark at one point in the 1580s. He kept a dwarf named Jepp (who Tycho believed was clairvoyant) as a court jester who sat under the table during dinner. Pierre Gassendi wrote1 that Tycho also had a tame elk, and that his mentor the Landgraf Wilhelm of Hesse-Kassel asked about an animal faster than a deer. Tycho replied writing there were none, but he could send his tame elk. When Wilhelm replied he would accept one in exchange for a horse, Tycho replied with the sad news that the elk just died on a visit to entertain a nobleman at Landskrona. Apparently during dinner the elk had drunk a lot of beer and fell down the stairs, and died."

That's like... someting out of a comedy or something. That's hilarious!

Tactile

People need touch. I had to give out hugs in camp to 10 year olds away from home, because they needed hugs. I stole a hug off Ah.med the other day after being put on the shoulders of someone who then proceeded to run around. It was not fun, and I was shaken, and when put down I whimpered and got a hug off Ah.med and it was good.

Sorry, it just ocurred to me about this one time when I was maybe 13 or 14, on a normal day, I grasped onto my friend's arm and wouldn't let go for about half an hour.... until she pried me off. I was essentially afraid to let go of her and to lose contact and something to hang on to. I'm a logical person and I knew it wouldn't hurt me to let go, but I couldn't bring myself to just let go of her. It was completely irrational. And yet with all this new knowledge about kids and touch I realise that because I was going through such a bad time (and 13/14 is always a bad time for people... but it was especially moreso for me because I was in a new environment and had culture shock and had left all my friends behind and not getting on terribly well with my mom at the time) and did not get much contact from other people, no hugs or shoulder pats or anything, and I guess I just needed it, on a very basic level, not even realising conciously that I'd been completely devoid of human touch and craving it.

argh

Woke up at 12:15 today then spent the next 4 1/2 hours talking to A.lex.... not good. Then I cleaned. I vacuumed the flat, cleaned the kitchen, and cleaned the living room windows. I also managed to throw away a few more things. I hate how much unnecessary stuff I have. And the paper! The paper I have to keep until some indiscernable date in the future. Meanwhile it just gets shoved into a random pile somewhere in my flat so I won't know where it is if I ever need it.

I threw away all my archaeology notes last night. What a waste of a course! I feel bad throwing away all that work but it was taking up space and I'm probably never going to look at them again. I tried re-reading my essay but got too bored after the first paragraph. Gack.

Well my room is all unpacked and semi-messy now.

Was doing it earlier in the day but was kinda disrupted by talking to A.lex online.... for 4 hours. Whoops. o_O

I miss camp. :( Or freedom. Or something.

I finally asked Ian for my stuff back.... I can't believe it's the first time I've managed to do it in a year and 2 months. Being in the US really wore away some of my silliness. I've also managed to throw lots of things away.

For our 6 month anniversary he got me a piano... well it's a jewellery box piano, but I laughed at him and never took it from him (Reason #569 why I was a bad girlfriend). I wonder if anyone has still got it. I would like it. Funny that I want it now and did not then.

I've got pieces of memories scattered throughout my flat and I am just ready to pack them away in a box now.... I should've done it a long time ago but I somehow did not think I needed to.

I have realised in the past 2 days walking around Edinburgh that I am quite well known. I meet people at random things and then forget them. They, however, do not forget me. Perhaps because I'm a largeish figure in the martial arts part of the uni (and also one half of an 'inter-martial arts couple' in 2nd year... I do feel sometimes when I meet people that I am "Ian's ex"), perhaps because I have an arch-nemesis who advertises to anyone who'll listen that I'm trying to steal her boyfriend (who, by the way, was Ian's flatmate at the time of our relationship), perhaps because I have strangely coloured hair, perhaps because I am slightly loud.

At any rate, while the popularity is flattering, it is also slightly scary. I have sudden fears of facebook stalkage though I have no fears of general stalkage... I live too far away for anybody to be bothered stalking.

In other news, I've actually gotten quite fond of guy who asked me out. Not in an overly fond kind of way, just in a "hey, you're funny and intelligent! Talk to me some more" kind of way. I'm glad he took the risks to his pride involved in 1) Trying to get to know me and 2) Giving me a choice and a way to keep in touch. As for me, I guess the only risk I took was the risk that he could be some crazy dude. Working in the Princeton English Department. Well... it is still a risk. There is also the "this guy is lame, why does he keep on talking to me?" risk. But that can be easily solved by IM blockage. So I guess the score in risk-taking and general bravery is Him: 2 Me: 1/2. Not looking good there.

It's been 5 years

...5 years ago today I was 16 sitting in an office being bored. I checked some message boards and noted something in the 'news' section of the board.... "Twin Towers - Is everyone ok?"

I was the first person in the office to find out the awful news. I couldn't believe it... I told my boss and we checked the news websites... CNN and BBC were both down due to too many access attempts I suppose. Steve (my boss) made an announcement to the office then hauled out a TV from somewhere and a coat hanger and put the news on. We then went back to work. Because what else could we do?

I checked blogs compulsively... I had not much to do in the office... and every single one mentioned something about it until I got to one... this guy had just woken up and I remember he said something like "It's a beautiful day outside.... the skies are blue and the sun is shining, I hope everyone has a nice day!"

That day in the city centre as I was switching buses to go home I ran into someone from school. We talked about it and he said "So many people die every day from bombs in the middle east and the western world don't care..." which made me think. It's not fair. But death of innocents never is.

When I was at camp I somehow got into a conversation with some of my kids about it... it again brought home in a different way how terrible these attacks were when one of my 10 year olds said he was in the area when it happened.... he would've been 5. He told me how terrified he was when he heard the loud noises and then they evacuated his school.

Did they care? Did they think about the children they would affect? Was this the only way they could think of to make a statement? What were they possibly hoping to achieve? Does anybody know or even think about the answer today when we are all lost in the politics of wars with even greater loss of lives - innocent lives?

I'm not trying to make any specific point. I'm just saying what I'm thinking as I write this. I'm being sad about 5 years ago, and sad thinking about the many different ways it could've changed the world, and how the world is now. Changed but unchanged... there is no more Saddam Hussein running experiments on his own people, Iraq is finding its feet after years of dictatorship and there is a chance for democracy, but there are also more wars, more innocent people dead in violence. America the country is more paranoid than ever, the people more concerned with homeland security, but everyday life continues the same as before.

American people are ever optimistic, ever hardworking, always believing in a better future, always willing to give strangers a chance, making the American dream possible.

New Yorkers in particular... I have walked around lost in Manhattan and put right by smiling friendly people, people who might not know the way but are willing to help you read the map and point out where you are and where you want to go, people who will walk you a block and point you in the right direction before going their own way.

Tired....

The tiredness caught up with me yesterday. I've been naturally waking up around 6 or 7am, so I woke up at 6am yesterday after sleeping for 7 hours. I caught up on my Lost episodes (my sister tapes them for me when I'm gone) then went to town with Rachel to do some stuff. Spent the rest of the day in the house - it was my dad's birthday and my parents threw a dinner party. I watched a lot of YouTube with Rachel and we introduced Beatrix to Numa numa. I showed Rachel the Super Mario play and the Monkey Island Play - we watched all 9 parts of that play. Then I fell asleep for about half an hour then came online for about an hour to play around on facebook, then fell asleep for about 11 hours. At last! Now I'm sleepy again, having only been up for about 10 hours.

After getting home on Tuesday I sorted things on Wednesday including bills, money transfers, getting glasses, and karate club business. Then I went to work on Thursday and Friday. Work is ok, terribly blah but it's money I desperately need. Basically work Thursday and Friday just about covers my electricity bill... for the period where I didn't even live in my flat. Next week is to cover the gas bill (again with the not living there!), the credit card bill, internet, and my new glasses. And, uh, maybe about £20 left over to cover my train back to Edinburgh as well.

So, yeah, my financial situation at the moment is most dire (£1400 overdrawn out of £1500) but my mom's given me £1000, then there's the student loan coming in, so I'll be ok. Lots more making myself sandwiches though, and less felafels. Also hopefully with the new heelys I can save on transport...?

In other news, in order to make the martial arts webpage for the university I've been learning css, so now I can make the page look at least a bit spiffy.