....in the pursuit from love?

It occured to me today, sitting on the bus home from work, listening to my mp3 player (specifically "Kissing you" by Des'ree) that I am in specific denial of Love (yes, with a capital L!).

After the crushing (please refer to last year's posts... or not if you would like to be spared the emotional trauma) break-up with Ian, I guess I realised the futility of dependence.... must really stop using large words.

Anyway to shorten the words, I guess I've always believed in "epic love", and I'm not just going to settle for "love".  But at the moment, what with having 'just' broken up with Ian (I guess I'm going to have to drop that excuse soon) and being extremely busy....

...by the way, this is kinda funny.  I'm writing this at the same time as I'm talking to two guys on Gmail who have kinda influenced this speil....

....I'm really not up for Epic Love.  Epic Love can wait while I have fun as a single independent and juggle university work, karate, and jobhunting.  And just normal Love... while I'm sure it could be good... would feel just like a filler/time waster for me.

So (and this is just one of a few theories Vashti and I coming up with on why I kept getting hit on by american boys) I feel like american boys must be seeing me and thinking "wow, she's different... like in the movies!" and then want to embark on original, movie-like Epic Love Stories with me.  Meanwhile I'm just like "meh.... why don't we just be friends?" (which, of course, could become part of the movie plot)

So.  I guess the point of this post was... I'm not ready.  Now is not the time.  Sorry to reject the advances, but please wait for later, Epic Love.

...not too late to take risks?

I got heelys this afternoon. :) They were crazy pricey (about $93 incl tax) but I'm going to have so much fun.... providing I don't break my neck!

I'm heading off to DC tomorrow morning, the shuttle is coming for me at 3am.

Was hoping to see A.ndy tonight but looks like he's just gonna sleep.... he worked all last night.

Well another new adventure awaits me tomorrow but part of me is ready to go back to school... I guess it's about time. I still boss people around like I'm a counselor though.... we went on a hike on Sunday and I was all "alright let's make sure we've got everyone here" (we counted off in binary and then ternary) and "alright guys, let's stop the bad language around the kids"... I hope my friends don't mind. :) Maybe it'll go away by then. I've already promised the karate committee that we're going to do team building games and then ice breakers with the freshers though!

Alright let's breathe.

Warning...

My blog comes with a warning. You've all seen it. It says "Over twenty will ruin your life if you let her. You have been warned".

But I guess if you met me somewhere else and didn't realise this blog exists and hence never came by to read the warning sign... then you would have no clue. Like say you met me on a plane. Or maybe one day you decided you were in love with me then broke up with me for no reason whatsoever several months down the line. Or maybe you were walking down a hallway one day and I said "hi" to you.

You would have no idea how clueless I am about how I affect other people. About how I spent most of my life hiding as a wallflower and never being looked at twice. You wouldn't realise, I guess, that I curiously play with people I actually affect to see how they would react, just because it's something new and I can. That actually I do want to hang out and be friends with you... but that you shouldn't read too much into what I do and say. You wouldn't realise that I say a lot of things and ask a lot of questions that normal people wouldn't, unless under extreme circumstances, because I spent a lot of my teenage years watching Dawson's Creek.

Maybe this warning is a bit hidden all the way in outer cyberspce and I should tattoo it onto my forehead?

Light up, light up

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

:(

I just found out that my 5th grade teacher died in June from a heart attack.

He was one of those brilliant teachers, someone who inspires you and teaches you with fun. Everyone wanted to be in his class. Every morning he used to line us up and before we got into the classroom he'd shake our hand, one by one. He taught us how to shake hands properly - not too floppy, not too firm, look them straight in the eye.

In his class we dissected fish and did multiplication table races, threw plungers at blackboards, and learned about sex (and why he was mortified when one kid asked him if he could have a 'rubber'). He told us that Christmas in Australia was on June 25th.... and made us believe it despite our initial wariness. We talked about governments and elections and he read us stories and talked to us about AIDS.

I can't say much else, I feel like this is an inadequate memory from me for what an awesome guy he was. I hope he enjoyed life, I'm sure he did, and I feel sad that he couldn't enjoy any more of it and watch his kids grow up and meet his grandkids and inspire them and also new students. I'm glad he was my teacher and had a great time in his class. I wish the best for his family.

....because the backs of my eyeballs burn

I'll be the greatest fan of your life (this would be a link if I wasn't scared it could be traced back to this blog.  As it is I will just give you the webpage address in code.  www.myfairystory.co.uk with fairy changed to faerie and co.uk changed to com)

 

In other news it does seem like everyone you meet in LA (or going to LA!) is in the movie business.  In one way I'm like "wow this is awesome" in another way I'm like "don't give in to the glamour"... because it is glamorous.  On the way from Atlanta to LA I got talking to the guy next to me on the plane and we talked for 5 ours straight.  Turns out he's a computer scientist from Harvard who now works at a Special FX studio and worked on the latest Superman.  We met up for a concert last night and he introduced us to his friend (from Harvard) who is now a scriptwriter with the Simpsons.  Today I got an e-mail from a guy I met in the Philly airport who wrote, produced, and acted in his own movie which made the Top 10 DVDs of 2002 on iFilm.

 

Is this normal when you go to LA???  Is Hollywood really that large an industry that it can permeate a whole city?

A Good Night

Had my night off tonight and went to dinner with J.on, C.hris, S.haun, and L.ou.  We went to TGI Fridays and I had a crazy chessy bacon cheeseburger, which I could hardly fit into my mouth!  J.on told us some crazy stories about when he was a kid, pointing out that our kids were much calmer than he ever was(in first grade he uesd to drop his pants in front of the girls)!

Since getting back from dinner I've been listening to Virgin Radio and writing diplomas and playing Super Mario 3... am just about to call Vashti to tell her about it... we used to go over to Sam's house and play it... it was *our* game!

Now my fingers are cold as I'm sitting in a super air conditioned room.  I love playing Nintendo games... something Ian never got!  He used to ring me up on Friday nights asking me what I wanted to do and I'd be like "I really just want to sit and play some Nintendo games with you!" and he'd be like "What???  Let's go for dinner...." *sigh*

I gotta run to california....

One more week to go...

I don't know... I'm not happy tonight!  I already have had to say bye to a few people, which sucks.  Then I was hanging out at the fountain with the people who stay over the weekends and they were just talking about stupid things and I just didn't want to be there, so I left.

 

Tried calling Vashti because I have no one else to talk to and I want to talk to someone that I haven't been stuck around for 7 weeks.  Going to see Eleanor tomorrow hopefully.  This week has been a bit strange, have had a few incidents, but not directly relating to me apart from the ridiculous heat wave... I borrowed an air conditioner off a counselor who had his week off this week but instead of enjoying it myself I gave it over to 4 girls for 3 nights... even last night which was really cool and breezy and I just had to go sleep in random places.

 

I don't know if I'm ready to just go home... I don't think I am!  I don't want more time at camp but at the same time I don't want there to be an ending... funny how I'm still not good at goodbyes.  With the kids it's not so bad because you only know them for a week or two... these guys I've been around for 7 weeks, 8 weeks next week.  Then it makes me think what I'm going to do next year when I graduate, and all the people I'll have to say goodbye to THEN.  This little girl doesn't like goodbyes.

 

Let's talk about something else.

 

This guy totally asked me out on Tuesday.  He works at Princeton and all through camp I've seen him maybe once or twice a week walking down the hallway and all I've ever said to him is 'Hi'.  Then on Tuesday he was holding some food and I was like "oh, what've you got there?" then we talked for a bit and then he was like "this is probably really random, but would you like to go for ice cream sometime after work?" and I was like "oh.... I don't have 'after work'.  I work until 11pm... that's after work for me!"

 

I want to go somewhere tonight.  My director just invited me to Philly and I would've gone but... they were just leaving and I didn't want to hold them up and I would've had to get some clothes and stuff.  I want to get out of here!