I've been searching my soul tonight...

I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
to find my way back home.

Go ahead and cry now
Just give in to the madness
The only way to feel your joy
Is to first feel the sadness

Go ahead and sail now
Just give in to the ocean
The only way to tame your fear
Is to feel her rocky motion

You're a long way from somewhere you call home, yeah
There's a place in your heart, you're not alone
All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away

Go ahead and listen
Just give into the voices
You think you're backed into a corner
But you've got so many choices
You're a long way from somewhere you call safe
Peace of mind comes from just one place
All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away

You're a long way from somewhere you call home,
There's a place in your heart, you're not alone
All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away
Whatever it is that'll make you feel good
You can have if you want
If you knew that you could
It's closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away


I know it's stupid. But I'm trusting in Ally. Ridiculously I've poured all my hope into it. For some reason I have this feeling that I'm going to watch Ally McBeal and it's going to fix me. David E Kelley sure has a lot to answer for.

I've been doing fine by myself, really, which is why this is even more ridiculous. I'm doing ok. I have bad days but I also have good days. On the good days I can even forget and believe I'm not going to have another bad day. I've even had a good day today.

But all week I've been waiting for this. I needed to watch it. I have just watched it, Episodes Pilot, 1 - 3 of Series 1. And I'm in complete turmoil... precisely because I've put everything into it. I have a feeling that it's going to make or break me.

The thing about Ally is that she believes, she has to believe, in love. Her life revolves around love. If she didn't believe in love, she wouldn't be Ally. Not only that, she has the courage.

The thing is this. I knew we couldn't last. I knew he wasn't "the one". But by the time I'd stayed long enough to figure that out, I couldn't leave. I didn't have the courage. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't have stayed if I didn't love him. That was precisely the problem.

Lots of people will say that going out with someone can sometimes just be fun, it doesn't have to be serious. I'm just not one of those. I think if you can't see a future, then what's the point?

I should probably thank him for breaking up with me. I mean look what a mess I am even now, if we'd carried on for any longer how much worse would it be?

That's precisely my point. I should have left earlier, it might have been easier, and I knew we were going to break up at some point anyway.

This is where Ally comes in. She'd believe that too. And she'd do it. And I've got to be strong and remember that. It might hurt but it was necessary. It hurts so much because I was a coward and didn't do it sooner. And god I hope that even if I had a chance to go back now I'd have the courage to say no.

I know I don't make very much sense right now.

The strange thing is that from the moment I put it on it was just... normal. It wasn't like I hadn't seen it for years, it was just "oh, good, Ally".

So, to David E. Kelley, to the writers, cast, and crew of Ally, no pressure, but I've done all I can for myself, it's now up to you.

Ally, she's strong. I can be strong too. She lived through Billy, his marriage to Georgia, his death, Larry, and Larry leaving.

Surely I can live through this. If I can't, what am I going to do when someone I believe is "the one" comes along and leaves?

This better be good.