Appendix/ovary!

After examining a bunch of pictures on Google's image search, I've come to the conclusion that the pain in my side can only be

a) My appendix situs invertis (where it's on your left instead of your right, Eamon's guess)
b) My left ovary (slightly worrying)
c) Part of my intestine (they sure take up a lot of space, don't they?)

..or something else entirely!

I decided it's probably not my ovary because why would it be aggravated by running? And there's probably like a very low chance of my appendix being on the wrong side of my body, and my heart is on the right (left) side of the body so....

I don't know! *throws hands up in air and mutters*

It'll probably go away by itself anyway.

Pet plum

Pet plums don't work out quite as well as pet oranges do. This morning I had to throw away possibly the biggest plum I have ever seen which had been residing in a plastic bag in my bag for a little under a week (ever since I ate my pet orange actually). It had squashed and was immensely juicy. I wish I'd eaten it before it'd gotten that far!

And I think I'm coming down with a cold. And that 'stitch' I got yesterday from running still hurts which is slightly worrying!

Latte

I'd love a latte right now.

I think rainy gloomy days make me want coffee. Unfortunately when I say 'coffee' I don't mean freeze-dried instant stuff. Ian has made me such a snob.

Or I could do with some Columbian. I had some of that at Negociants once in between math lectures, it was the first time I'd tried non latte/cappucino/americano non freeze-dried coffee and was really surprised at how tasty, how fruity it was.

Fictional crushes....

By the way... the post before the last one, where I said I had a crush on Haku? I wasn't being totally serious but if I was that would be great to add to my already scary list of fictional crushes which involves...

2 vampires - Lestat and Spike! I would've added Armand, Marius, and Louis, but being honest with myself they are mere shadows compared to Lestat. Lestat from the books who in my mind doesn't look like Tom Cruise, and Spike after he got the chip implanted and fell in love with Buffy.
1 hobbit - Frodo, of course, from reading the book but already with an idea in my head that Frodo looks like Elijah Wood
1 18 year old boy (dying) - Draco of The Draco Trilogy who, in my mind, does not look like Tom Felton

and now 1 river spirit! Great.

Tell me that's not really that worrying.

gah.

Saturday morning I received 2 discs of Ally McBeal. I watched 5 episodes Saturday night and 3 this morning.

Saturday afternoon I went shopping for my Dad's birthday presents... I got him a couple of sweaters for me and my sister(s?). I really liked one of them (for me) that I got for him... it was from the Blue Harbour range in Marks & Spencers and I couldn't choose between two so I took them into the changing room to see how they would go with my colour. I might've gotten some weird looks from the changing room assistant and those waiting for others in the changing room.

I also went into Bay where it was a closing down clearance sale... and everything was 3 pounds! I got 3 jackets... I was really pleased. My favourite is a red wool trenchcoat which I've wanted for aaaages but it's missing a couple of buttons. My mom doesn't like it because it looks second hand, my dad says its ok for a student. Then I got a flowery trenchcoat which my sister says looks like it's made from a shower curtain, I quite like it but I'm not sure it would look good with anything I have, and another is a sort of formal jacket wear. It's quite pretty, I watched this Italian woman put it on and she looked really professional and gorgeous in it. It's like the kind of thing Georgia (from Ally McBeal) might wear.

Today I went for a run and got really annoyed. I didn't get as far as I did last time and really wanted to but I had two stiches that hurt like hell. I thought I might shake them or lessen them but they didn't go. I was pretty mad. I'm not sure what exactly I was mad at... myself or my stitches specifically, or the world in general. I thought running was supposed to make you happy. You know, endorphins and stuff.

I think I can say today was Not A Good Day though it started out well enough this morning, though it's slightly scary how many Ally McBeals I can watch in a row and not get sick of it. Renee is starting to get on my nerves though.

Now I'm sitting listening to Hard Candy by the Counting Crows. They're really good to chill out to when you're washing dishes.

Back to work tomorrow. I tell myself it's only a couple more weeks. I don't understand how people can do my kind of job as a specific job with no end in sight and not... feel so entirely unimportant. Most of my job (audio typing) could be done by a computer program. The rest of my job could be done by anybody else in the world. I attach no importance whatsoever in me being there. I am replaceable, I could be one in a million.

Wow, I am depressing. Exscuse me while I poke myself in the eye repeatedly. Newton did that, you know. I'm not sure repeatedly, but he did stick a bodkin (needle) in between his eyeball and his eye socket and applied pressure on his eyeball. All in the name of science! Wonderful.

Anyway. Back to the eye poking.

I watched Spirited Away yesterday and it was fantastic! I now have a crush on Haku. He's pretty young looking for a river spirit!

Pet orange

I ate my pet orange yesterday. :(

I've been carrying it around with me for over a week and now I miss it.

20 minutes!

20 minutes! HAH!

Yes, that's the time I ran today. I'm estimating the distance to be around 3km. And my shirt was inside out, which I didn't notice until I was walking back cooling down.

At Minty's birthday on Saturday I got some Bazooka Joe bubblegum in the lucky dip (his girlfriend Sarah bought it at Selfridges) and it's really great stuff. Original bubblegum, you know? The taste doesn't last long but it's heaven. I blew a bubble and it stuck on my face. :/ Doesn't come off very easily! Great fun though.

Reread The Handmaid's Tale (Margaret Attwood) and was slightly worried when I read the part where she says the way they took over was by blowing people up and blaming it on the Islamic Extremists. Doesn't that sound familiar...

I wish I had a river....

I like Christmas! It soothes me. And I like Ally McBeal! So it only makes sense that I should listen to "A very Ally Christmas".

Last night I dressed up like a gangster and went to the pub for the 21st birthday party of a guy I went to college with (but don't really know too well) and had a good time. I didn't mingle, which is probably bad, but I didn't have to buy a single drink (which could also be bad, depends on which way you look at it ;)). Mostly I sat and talked to Ryan. Excerpts of conversation....

(just finished talking about Ryan's crush during Year 10 and 11)
Ryan: So we all know about you
Me: Yeah, everybody knew
Ryan: We're thinking about the same person, right?
Me: Yeah, I assume so!
Ryan: Is he... tall? Very tall?
Me: *nods*
Chris: Who are you thinking about?
Ryan: *whispers* Neil!
Me: Yeah, I asked him out once *turns bright red*
Ryan: Really?
Me: *incredulous* You didn't ....
Ryan: Actually, yes, I just thought it was supposed to be a big secret or something.
.
.
.
Ryan: This wouldn't be the Australian, would it? Eamon?
Me: Yeah! I told you about him? I can't believe you know about him! What did I say?
Ryan: Well... a lot. Like... you really just used to pine...
Me: What!
Ryan: It's true
Me: Yeah, I suppose so. *turns bright red*

Wow. ok. That last post was a little over the top. But I'm gonna leave it. Because (and here's the greatest thing) Ally is strong enough to admit to Billy that she still loves him, even after however many years, so I guess I can be strong enough to admit to the internet that I hurt, even after a month.

Seems like everyone else is hurting too, so I guess I can say I'm not alone, though this is one of those things you'd rather for everybody else be alone in. I've been following This imploding heart for a few years and am so so sorry that Sonya (who I don't even know and have never spoken to in my life) has broken up with Cake. Then there are some of my friends. And even Keira Knightley. Maybe it's just because I'm here, but it seems like everyone's breaking up these days.

Tomorrow night: Casino theme night. Should I go dress woman and find a feather boa or shirt vest man with slicked back hair?

I'm going for man myself...

I've been searching my soul tonight...

I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
to find my way back home.

Go ahead and cry now
Just give in to the madness
The only way to feel your joy
Is to first feel the sadness

Go ahead and sail now
Just give in to the ocean
The only way to tame your fear
Is to feel her rocky motion

You're a long way from somewhere you call home, yeah
There's a place in your heart, you're not alone
All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away

Go ahead and listen
Just give into the voices
You think you're backed into a corner
But you've got so many choices
You're a long way from somewhere you call safe
Peace of mind comes from just one place
All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away

You're a long way from somewhere you call home,
There's a place in your heart, you're not alone
All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away
Whatever it is that'll make you feel good
You can have if you want
If you knew that you could
It's closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away


I know it's stupid. But I'm trusting in Ally. Ridiculously I've poured all my hope into it. For some reason I have this feeling that I'm going to watch Ally McBeal and it's going to fix me. David E Kelley sure has a lot to answer for.

I've been doing fine by myself, really, which is why this is even more ridiculous. I'm doing ok. I have bad days but I also have good days. On the good days I can even forget and believe I'm not going to have another bad day. I've even had a good day today.

But all week I've been waiting for this. I needed to watch it. I have just watched it, Episodes Pilot, 1 - 3 of Series 1. And I'm in complete turmoil... precisely because I've put everything into it. I have a feeling that it's going to make or break me.

The thing about Ally is that she believes, she has to believe, in love. Her life revolves around love. If she didn't believe in love, she wouldn't be Ally. Not only that, she has the courage.

The thing is this. I knew we couldn't last. I knew he wasn't "the one". But by the time I'd stayed long enough to figure that out, I couldn't leave. I didn't have the courage. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't have stayed if I didn't love him. That was precisely the problem.

Lots of people will say that going out with someone can sometimes just be fun, it doesn't have to be serious. I'm just not one of those. I think if you can't see a future, then what's the point?

I should probably thank him for breaking up with me. I mean look what a mess I am even now, if we'd carried on for any longer how much worse would it be?

That's precisely my point. I should have left earlier, it might have been easier, and I knew we were going to break up at some point anyway.

This is where Ally comes in. She'd believe that too. And she'd do it. And I've got to be strong and remember that. It might hurt but it was necessary. It hurts so much because I was a coward and didn't do it sooner. And god I hope that even if I had a chance to go back now I'd have the courage to say no.

I know I don't make very much sense right now.

The strange thing is that from the moment I put it on it was just... normal. It wasn't like I hadn't seen it for years, it was just "oh, good, Ally".

So, to David E. Kelley, to the writers, cast, and crew of Ally, no pressure, but I've done all I can for myself, it's now up to you.

Ally, she's strong. I can be strong too. She lived through Billy, his marriage to Georgia, his death, Larry, and Larry leaving.

Surely I can live through this. If I can't, what am I going to do when someone I believe is "the one" comes along and leaves?

This better be good.

hah!

Apparently writing a friendly clear the air e-mail to thatgirlwhohatesyou will never be unsuspicious.

When you apologise ahead of time to your mutual 'friend' in fear that your e-mail might be taken much the wrong way, 'friend' will perk up her ears and happily make trouble and girlwhohatesyou, who already sees you with horns, will be terrified, and girlwhohatesyou's boyfriend will be driven crazy.

I just wanted to be nice.

I watched Love, Actually last night and it left me with a nice warm cozy feeling. I'm always amazed by how Christmas can do that to me. I always think I've grown out of it but then it hits me in the stomach and I'm little again. I liked how the movie included a boy's love, usually movies are strictly about kids or strictly about adults only, so it was really surprisingly nice to see an 11 year old kid's lovelornness get the same air time as the adults'. I think Ally McBeal would have loved that movie. Her underlying purpose in life is love, and the movie shows you that it is everywhere.

I also watched Unleashed and was very impressed! It was a martial art movie, a comedy, and a family (kinda) movie all at the same time! Like my sister said, it could have been cheesy, but it wasn't.

mmm bob dylan.

Baby babble

I can't say very much at the moment, but this article is very definitely worth a read, about babies!

Letter to a boy II

I thought of you last night when I was suddenly reminded of the best fried chicken in the world (a place in Indonesia) - You'd totally forget about KFC if you had tasted this stuff.

I wonder what you'd think of me now, made so miserable by 1 (one!) boy. No doubt you'd have thought me a fool, though maybe you've changed. Or maybe you'd have some compassion, like that time we took P for lunch to cheer him up. You always thought I was a little too soft for my own good though.

I remember a while back wishing I could introduce you to him, to know what you'd make of him. I'm sure you would have found him agreeable if only because he was important to me. I think you would have respected him if you had come to know him, he really is a good guy, however I think you'd laugh at his vanity. I did. I think you would have been surprised to see me with him. But then again, you always knew my feelings almost before I'd discovered them.

I heard you've been back home and are now in London, has it changed you in any way? Are you any less cynical about people? How do you take to life in a big city? I bet you're surrounded by geeky CS friends. University is a good place to meet people with common interests. What about clubbing? Do you stil not dance or have you actually learned to let go? Do you find it possible to get drunk now or have you given up trying?

Have you fallen in love? Did you make the same big (stupid, you would've called it, brave I would've said, both agreeing with the other) leap I did and let someone in to your heart and change your life? Someone you couldn't just shut off and walk away from? Has it been successful thus far? Could I meet her someday? She must be an extraordinary person to put up with you. :) Even more extraordinary to deserve your love.

As always I hope you are happy. I hope the change of scenery away from that awful place brought some peace and happiness, it certainly did me. I hope you are having fun and doing what you want to do.

I have a feeling that if you wanted to, you'll find this long before I could ever find you. So, as it has always been, the ball is in your court. If ever you want to talk or catch up, tell me how stupid I have been, abuse me, send me a random internet joke, or even apologise (you're already forgiven but it might be nice), you know where to find me.

Always,

me.

ok

I was just thinking... if I had a chance right now to sneak a peek at my life when I'm 40, would I do it?

I'm greatly greatly curious as to what the future is going to be like for me. Will I go down the conventional route, husband, job, kids? Or will I end up one of the many working single women desperate to find someone they can marry (Ally Mcbeal), will I find (and lose) a Larry? Even if I did get married, would I be happy or would we end up divorce papers and kids in need of counselling? Will I end up the crazy foreign lady in an African town with purple hair or herding cattle in the US, fixing computers in Antarctica, a yuppie in KL, dead in some tragic accident? Most importantly, would I be happy? Or would I have been happy along the way?

Would I fear not to look in case I wasn't? Because then what would be the point? Unless I'd done something significant for "the good".

Maybe I'd saved some kid's life. Or shot out an invading (unpeceful) alien force. Saved a tree. A forest.

Would it outweigh all things I'd done for "the bad"? Looking the other way when things weren't going as they should be, telling myself everybody else is doing it, what could one more person hurt? Eating McDonald's, buying Tesco's, unwilling to fork out an extra 40p for Fairtrade....

... would I enjoy coffee? I had a latte last week and throroughly enjoyed it, despite the fact I don't like coffee.

Would I still be allergic to alchol and intolerant to caffiene? Would I have developed some other allergy? Would I have friends? Real friends? Everybody has friends but how many have friends who will stick with you and be with you through bad times when you're huddled up in your duvet choking?

Would I be fat? Normal? Underweight? Would I have subcumbed to the pressures of society and demanded some weird beauty treatment like botox?

What about the world? What would it be like then? Would it be the techopia we're promised or the polluted unhappy pitstop to mass extinction we've already made some progress towards? Would we still have rainforests and coral beds or would kids have to put on virtual reality gear in order to experience a walk through a rainforest?

Ah.