I'm.... hungry!

Big giant tornado yesterday.

Yesterday at lunch I went for chips. mmm. They were good, as well. too often when you crave chips you get disappointment, but yesterday was perfect. Warm, with just enough salt and vinegar. Yum! My boss gave us cherries.

The day went dark. Not 'black as night' as those fools are saying (exaggerate much?) but quite quite dark. I looked out the window and thought "heh, cool".

I wasn't in tornado area but was quite close, just saw lots of rain and lots of darkness.

*wipes up heart*

Sorry about that. I didn't mean to im/explode all over you.

I'm just really frustrated that it's been about 3 weeks and when people say 'time heals' they obviously mean much longer time than 3 weeks. I sprained my ankle near the beginning of last year and couldn't get on with karate for more than a month and was really frustrated waiting for it to heal so I could go back to karate. Abstractly I kind of feel that way at the moment (but maybe possibly this moment only, who knows what my insanity will feel next), impatient to 'recover' and get on with life without the twinges and pain and big giant twisty dagger.

So I have to give me something to focus on this summer I have joined the HydroActive Women's Challenge and will be running 5k on the 4th September in aid of the National Endometriosis Society and the WWF.

To sponsor me for the NES click here.
To sponsor me for the WWF click here.

There's some trouble with my knee at the moment and I haven't got time to get it looked at by a doctor (why the hell don't they open on saturdays?) so I'm just going to buy a big strapping knee support and get to training.

implode

In all honesty... I feel I have fractured. I am cut to the quick, I am uncaring, I am ambition, I am desperate to get back to partying, I am waking up in the mornings and wishing to stay in bed forever isolated.

I want to feel this. I have a writer's curiosity about what it actually feels like. At the same time it is all too overwhelming and I have squashed it in a little black hole in my mind. Every now and then something escapes and I am undone, until I recapture it, bind it, and wrestle it back into the hole.

I want revenge. I never want to hurt him. I want to carry on loving him. I wish I'd never started, never wasted the energy, so this pain would not exist. I would not get rid of the memories for the world. I want to hate him. I'd hate to hate him, to hate someone I have willingly spent a year of my life with.

I question who he is. I question my abilities of telling who people are. I wonder if he is being honest with me. I wonder if he is honest to himself. I wonder if he's ever lied to me. I wonder if he finds it necessary to lie to me.

I feel his absence like a missing limb. Sometimes the only way I manage to survive neverending moments is to write him a pathetic e-mail just to know he will read it. Other times I never want to speak to him again.

I want to be who I was in 1st year, someone who was loud and independent and never in one place for long enough for someone to find me. I want to withdraw and hide.

I want to be single and independent and love it. I want back my freedom where my time was my time, I had no obligations to spend it with someone else. I want to find someone else to love me, better than he did, I want to find Perfect love.

I want to go back in time to recapture us. I am glad to be free.

How can I think and feel and be all these contradictions? Maybe instead of imploding I have exploded.

In the past I have always poked fun at girls who come apart at the seams because of boys. I realise now what an unknowing unfeeling bitch I have been. This must be karma. Threefold.

Two things.

1. (From "Sonnets from the Portugese" (Elizabeth Browning). The first (only?) poem I ever memorised)

Go from me. Yet I feel that I shall stand
Henceforward in thy shadow. Nevermore
Alone upon the threshold of my door
Of individual life, I shall command
The uses of my soul, nor lift my hand
Serenely in the sunshine as before,
Without the sense of that which I forbore—
Thy touch upon the palm. The widest land
Doom takes to part us, leaves thy heart in mine
With pulses that beat double. What I do
And what I dream include thee, as the wine
Must taste of its own grapes. And when I sue
God for myself, He hears that name of thine,
And sees within my eyes the tears of two.


2. "Let Me Fall"
(From Cirque De Soleil)

Let me fall
Let me climb
There's a moment when fear
And dreams must collide

Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear them

Let me fall
If I fall
Though the phoenix may
Or may not rise

I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains

Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear

Let me fall
If I fall
There's no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment
Just let me fall

I hate the week that's just gone. It can just die.

I know it happens practically all the time in Iraq but somehow it's worse when it's somewhere you've visited, when it could be people you know.

I knew something had happened but the train stations only said to avoid travelling into London city centre due to disruptions to travel. The girl next to me on the train phoned her mom to tell her she was alright. There were huge traffic jams in Birmingham as police stopped buses and did random checks.

Of course it's worse when you're affected. It's selfish somehow how people switch away from the news when a new bomb blast happens in Iraq and stay riveted to TV screens when London is hit.

ow

George W is...

Anakin Skywalker?

(don't highlight if you haven't seen Star Wars Episode 3)

And the USA is... Amidala!

I was watching Tonight with Trevor Mcdonald and the great guy was interviewing George W Bush one-on-one and actually... he doesn't seem so clueless. Obviously I still don't agree on some of his views like pro-choice (and forcing the whole country to be) and some very iffy 'moral' issues.

George W, however, is so in love with his country that he will take the whole world down with him to save her. Sound familiar? Sure, new technology to lessen fossil fuel ussage isn't exactly the Dark Side but blatantly ignoring the fact that the USA's fossil fuel emissions will destroy the world and not trying to lessen it because it will destroy America's economy... well...



I however applaud (and this must be a new one eh) his challenge to the EU that he will remove America's farming subsidies if they will remove theirs.

It's not about my favourite cause (the environment) but it's definitely good stuff.