Letter to a boy

I should probably never post this in public, but... what the hell. Shh.


Looking back now, why couldn't I see it? It should have been clear as daylight, how you looked forward to seeing me in ---(place)---.

I still think of you. Not because (I hope) I still feel attraction, but only because I still wonder what could have been. If we could have gotten over our shyness, if we could have put ourselves forward, if you would have let yourself go, could we have made a good couple? What would it have been like?

Those few weeks you tore me apart, but I could not go to you and explain. Because we didn't exist. I can't regret that, because there was no way possible for me to break the silence. Not with what I had already done. I wish you hadn't judged me on that night, but I don't blame you. I still dwell on how the night could've turned out. I should've been wiser.

I think I will always carry this 'what if' around with me, and we will never talk about it, and soon I will see you for the last time. It won't kill me to see the last of you, because I've long buried that girl who thought a past was possible. But I will still think of you occasionally and wonder about us.

Tonight I was wondering what it would feel like if you had a girlfriend and I were to see her. Would it be ok or would I be plunged into jealousy or comparing myself to her? Would we like each other? Would we be alike each other? I know that's not fair to say considering I've moved on and no doubt you know. I hope you were ok.