I've been trying to make sense of the past few days. It's been a surreal dream/nightmare. Is everything ok now? I don't know. Everything is certainly better than it was on Saturday or Sunday though.

I'm eternally grateful for my friends and my family who were there for me and helped me forget and made me feel better for the time and all the hugs.

I think it's pretty clear that Ian and I have to work on our relationship a lot more, and no one gets to throw in the towel just because they're afraid.

I feel that if we can put this behind us and learn from it then it can only make our relationship stronger (what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?), and I know I've definitely learned about my capacity and depth of emotion.

(parts of email to Vashti)

Ian turned up and he said what I wanted him to say, that he does love me, that what he did on Friday was the stupidest thing he's ever done, and it was such a huge relief. I know you probably think I'm an idiot now.

Basically he said (and this is pretty unbelievable too... but I believe him) that he was so afraid that if he ever did something wrong and I broke up with him because of that then I'd be out of his life and I'd never speak to him or see him again. So instead he broke up with me under friendly terms so we could be friends (you know, once I'd gotten over crying every single time I thought of him). He said that he never wanted to be in the position where he had to beg for me to take him back or even speak to him, but that's where he ended up anyway.

Apparently this whole fear stems from an incident in January where I'd gotten really mad at him and stormed off to my lecture and after my lecture he came to find me and the first thing he said to me was "I don't want to break up".

So while that made some sort of twisted sense to me I was still pretty mad that in avoidance of his own pain he chose to hurt me instead. In my head, that's an extremely selfish act. And not just because it was me he'd done that to.

But he seemed so upset and truly sorry and what's the point of ending a relationship if we both love each other? What's the point of suffering just to make him suffer for making me suffer?

So we're going to take it a day at a time, obviously we have a lot of things to work through, but I really really think we still have a chance.

Yeah.

*pulls knife out of heart*