Just discovered a great new blog! The Bovine Bugle

Update!!

Wow it's been so sunny and awesome in Edinburgh recently - though today's been probably the first truly warm day, though I guess it counts on what you classify as 'warm'. It's still a bit cool in the shade but that's nice.

Been working hard on exams etc., only one more to go on Tuesday!!! Last week Ian and I went for an anniversary meal (I can't believe it's been a year already) at a little Chinese place on Lothian Road called 'Panda Inn', the food was excellent and though not cheap the price was reasonable for the food quality.

She-Net: Women of Independent Minds - News

She-Net: Women of Independent Minds - News

Election

I'm reading about the election on The Times and I've been going through "best pictures from the election" when I came across this:



Isn't that an excellent picture???

Karate-ka - Thinker

Karate-ka - Thinker

Here are some photos that Feihao took of me when I got my new competition middle weight Gi! Aren't I awesome? :D

Karate-ka - Fighter

Karate-ka - Fighter

Karate-ka - Dreamer

Karate-ka - Dreamer

Karate-ka - Strong woman!

Karate-ka - Strong woman!

I've been trying to make sense of the past few days. It's been a surreal dream/nightmare. Is everything ok now? I don't know. Everything is certainly better than it was on Saturday or Sunday though.

I'm eternally grateful for my friends and my family who were there for me and helped me forget and made me feel better for the time and all the hugs.

I think it's pretty clear that Ian and I have to work on our relationship a lot more, and no one gets to throw in the towel just because they're afraid.

I feel that if we can put this behind us and learn from it then it can only make our relationship stronger (what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?), and I know I've definitely learned about my capacity and depth of emotion.

(parts of email to Vashti)

Ian turned up and he said what I wanted him to say, that he does love me, that what he did on Friday was the stupidest thing he's ever done, and it was such a huge relief. I know you probably think I'm an idiot now.

Basically he said (and this is pretty unbelievable too... but I believe him) that he was so afraid that if he ever did something wrong and I broke up with him because of that then I'd be out of his life and I'd never speak to him or see him again. So instead he broke up with me under friendly terms so we could be friends (you know, once I'd gotten over crying every single time I thought of him). He said that he never wanted to be in the position where he had to beg for me to take him back or even speak to him, but that's where he ended up anyway.

Apparently this whole fear stems from an incident in January where I'd gotten really mad at him and stormed off to my lecture and after my lecture he came to find me and the first thing he said to me was "I don't want to break up".

So while that made some sort of twisted sense to me I was still pretty mad that in avoidance of his own pain he chose to hurt me instead. In my head, that's an extremely selfish act. And not just because it was me he'd done that to.

But he seemed so upset and truly sorry and what's the point of ending a relationship if we both love each other? What's the point of suffering just to make him suffer for making me suffer?

So we're going to take it a day at a time, obviously we have a lot of things to work through, but I really really think we still have a chance.

Yeah.

*pulls knife out of heart*

Wednesday, March 06, 2002 7:10 PM

Question of the day : Why do we stop ourselves falling in love?

(Miscellaneous musings from a very tired person floating in her own
little bubble. Written around 1:30pm today)

Is it because we're scared of pain?

If we must fall in love, we should fall in love with our hearts, not
our heads. We should tumble in with no apprehensions, but instead, be
totally open and ready to give, and recieve, love.

If it is because one is scared of pain, let it be known that there is
no conception of joy without knowing what pain is, and vice versa.

Maybe we are scared of falling in love with the wrong person. But how
can a person be wrong if your heart is ready to love them?

We must cast aside society's rigid standards for our own. If you can
love, openheartedly and without wronging yourself or anyone else, then
let yourself love.

Maybe our fears stem from what we feel we should recieve in turn for
our love. But why should we recieve anything? Can we not be content
merely in loving? MUST we be loved in return?

Define love.