This evening, after dinner and tea and cakes with a couple of friends, I begged off the rest of the evening, feeling tired and wishing to go home and sleep. Finally getting home, I made myself another cup of tea, walked into my room and saw what a state it was in. For the majority of the last 2 months I've been out of my room and it has suffered my rush to get dressed quickly and get to places. I then sat down and read some blog posts, something which I have not done in a while, and after about half an hour, dragged myself away to have a shower. While I was showering I was mentally listing things I should do over the weekend, but then thought "Maybe I can do some now!" and, energised, leaped out of the shower and did a minor clean-up of my room as well as popping some clothes into the laundry. Unfortunately, doing so, I attempted to clean out the lint filter and ended up with water all over the kitchen floor. I then realised that I had been meaning to clean the kitchen for about 2 months and not got around to it, so after mopping up the water and starting the laundry, I washed all the dishes and wiped down the surfaces. The real hard core stuff will have to wait until tomorrow - if I am still motivated enough!

Which is the thing. I hope I still feel this motivated to get things done when I wake up tomorrow morning, the past few weeks I have been real slack. To be fair on myself I have been running myself pretty ragged with a ridiculous mix of having a new and improved social life and attempting to keep up at work. I need to get some real rest to reenergise - thankfully we have 2 weeks off work over Christmas and New Year's and I had previously hoped to be back in 2010 fully energised and ready to deal with the world. Now I hope that this motivation I found so unexpectedly tonight is a sign that I am starting to regain on the masses of sleep I have lost, and that I will be back with more energy even before the holidays. Here's hoping, because there are a few blog posts I hope to write as well as some christmas shopping to do!

Priorities for the weekend

1) Finish reading the papers on opened tabs on firefox.
2) Tidy/clean room.
3) Clear, as much as possible, blog posts in google reader and e-mails
4) Clear, as much as possible, facebook messages.

Part of the "tidy up my life" plan.

Comet blazing across the evening sky

When news of Michael Jackson's death first came out and twitterers and facebook statuses started their tributes, there was only one obviousline that stuck out in my mind.

I admit that when I was younger I used to belong and probably was a bit addicted to a wonderful messageboard called Estronet. As you may be able to guess from the name, it was aimed towards females and I spent hours on it everyday.  One of my favourite baords was the creative writing board.  I'd post my poems and short writings and eagerly read new writings from posters I'd come to respect.

One short story I read on there has never left my mind - it was a poster possibly in her middle teens writing about watching a girl, once a best friend, who had grown up to be shooting star and was consequently in the process of burning out.  Since then I'd always liked that idea of shooting stars or comets that burn so brightly but so quickly - inevitably plummeting to earth in the end, paying for the way they were able to shine so bright.

Michael Jackson wrote the song "Gone too soon" for his young friend and AIDS victim, Ryan White.  Ryan was a very brave teenager, a haemophiliac diagnosed with AIDS at the age of 13; contracted through a routine blood infusion.  Back in the 80s AIDS was still very much a mystery and stigma and Ryan made it the mission of the rest of his unfortunately short life to educate the public about AIDS.  You can read more about him here.

I can't remember whether I'd heard of Ryan White or whether we got the Dangerous album (a favourite in our household where Rod Stewart was too old for the kids and Alanis Morissette too whiney for the parents) first, but I remember loving the very simple, but beautiful song Michael Jackson had attributed to Ryan.

But perhaps this song fits you, too, Michael. You were like a comet, blazing across the evening sky.  And now you are gone too soon. 

I never believed the scandal.  Rest in peace.

Jagged Little Pill

I'm sitting here listening to 'Jagged Little Pill' - gloriously revelling in the intense feeling of nostalgia.

Jagged Little Pill was one of the first three albums I ever bought - together with the Lion King and the Batman Forever soundtracks.

Alanis's music is deeply engrained into me - everyday for perhaps 2 months my sisters and I played Jagged Little Pill in the car on the way to and from school.  It is the sound of me growing up - the sound perhaps of angry feminism taking root into my growing consciousness of the outside world.  Later, I found validation in her Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie album, constant replays reminded me that I was not a freak for feeling the emotions I was experiencing or thinking the thoughts I was thinking.

It's strange now to listen to Jagged LItte Pill and remember how I looked up to Alanis, but know now that she was doing this all when she was younger than I am now.

Anyway, I was sitting here thinking what I would think when I was 11 and I saw myself now and what I was doing.  I think perhaps I'd be slightly disappointed that I hadn't taken over the world by now. :) But also I think I would be happy, and proud, that I'm attempting to fight the good fight.  I would be surprised that my undergraduate was in computer science when I had always been more drawn to the arts, but I think that I would think it cool that I have these skills.  I'd think my karate medals and achievements were awesome, although question why I am not still doing it.

I'd be amazed that I'm living and working in London, and be appalled at the size of my current room.  And not too surprised but possibly a bit disappointed that I'm single. :) I'd like that I can play the guitar and bought Amity at the age of 17, but also wonder why I'm not better at it.

What an interesting exercise. 

Thoughts on climate change and my job

A reply I wrote tonight to a 3rd grade classmate and climate skeptic:

Hi Jackie,

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you - my new job is tiring me out! I should probably be going to bed in about negative half an hour, but thought I'd drop you a quick note addressing your points.

I've gone through the stuff you've sent me, and tried to find stuff of my own that says that climate change isn't happening, but to be honest I have not really run up against any evidence that is reputable and would make me change my mind. About the best I have is Freeman Dyson's argument ( http://www.edge.org/3rd_culture/dysonf07/dysonf07_index.html ), and as far as I can see he believes that the earth's natural environment will take care of reducing carbon for us. My argument to this, however, is that the earth has never seen so much carbon in the atmosphere before.

And that brings me to the facts that I can believe in, and these are:
a) Atmospheric carbon is far above and beyond any levels known of previously for the last 10,000 years, with evidence from ice cores.
b) The temperature of the earth by and large tracks the levels of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. As someone who has studied statistics and economics, I wouldn't normally put much stock in this alone, as it is mere correlation which does not mean, in all cases, causation, apart from that I know
c) Carbon dioxide is a greenhouse gas. That is, that it is a scientific fact that carbon dioxide absorb and emits radiation within the thermal infrared range.

I also know that climate is variable. I don't put much stock in "in the last five years it has been warmer/colder than the five yeras before that" because, as we both know, there are crazy climate systems out there such as el nino and la nina that show up every once in a few years and throws things out of whack. Long-term variability though, that is the key.

I do believe that over time the world will start warming up. Now what will happen once it reaches a certain temperature is obviously up for debate. One of the theories is that it will trigger us into an ice age through the halt of the gulf stream. One of the theories is that of positive feedback - that is, once it reaches a certain temperature, certain things will change so that it will get hotter and hotter much more quickly. And of course, one of the theories is that it will make the earth a better place to live. I think, I hope not, but I think that it will by and large cause a lot of problems.

Now I hear what you're saying about the "global cooling" "global Warming" debates, and all I can do there is point you to this website. http://www.grist.org/article/one-hundred-years-is-not-enough Look at those graphs - over 150 years, 500 years, you have to admit that the last 20 or so have been pretty warm.

And I agree that scientists not only have the right, but the duty to show non-biased information. However, I very much doubt that scientists have had their grants pulled or been blacklisted for offering studies from "the other side", as there are many corporations, including Exxon-Valdez, who fund scientists for research that will make them look good. Also, there's stuff like this: http://www.realclimate.org/index.php/archives/2009/03/with-all-due-respect/

And, that is a pretty crazy conspiracy theory. Along the same lines of "Bush enabled 9/11" ( http://fixco1.com/bush911.html ). :)

You might think the next thing I'm going to say is a bit weird, so I'm going to give you some background. I studied computer science for four years, and was good at it, and enjoyed it very much. I could be working in computer science and earning a lot more than I do now. But I'm not. I re-routed my career and completed a masters in Environmental Economics and Policy. I'm a research assistant, the lowest of the low, at an environmental economics consultancy, earning about 2/3rds my expected salary as a computer scientist because I believe climate change is happening unless people act now to stop it. And I feel completely inadequate in my job because my background is in computers, not economics, but I'm there because I know that in twenty years I want to at least say that I tried.

So to be honest I would really love to be able to think that climate change isn't happening, and you have intrigued me, but I have not been able to find anything reputable, with reputable scientific sources to argue the other side. All I can find are conspiracy theories. So you would be doing me a huge huge favour if you could point me towards papers that have scientific merit arguing your side of the argument. Then maybe I can give this up and go back to programming and leave my guilt behind. :)

And now I really need to go to sleep. Hope you are well and hope the above has been readable. I am coming around on the gun legislation thing, but I'm still leery about the children and guns thing ( http://www.neahin.org/programs/schoolsafety/gunsafety/statistics.htm#america ) and I will never ever like the NRA.

Best,
Zara

The education plan

I feel very inadequate in my job.  People I am working with acutally have real economics degrees.  To remedy this, I am attempting to educate myself through a few things:

* <b>Reading economics blogs including EnvEcon, Freakonomics, Core Economics, and Parentonomics (this last one just because it is fun).</b>  I have been doing this for some time, I've added them to my rss feed on google reader, which is now mostly made up of economics posts with the odd CuteOverload post breaking things up.

* <b>Reading through an introductory economics textbook</b>.  This used to be my sister's at school - I can't say how much I regret not taking economics at school, but I might as well remedy it as much as possible.  Don't get me wrong - I know the basics of economics; demand and supply curves, opportunity costs, discount rates, etc., but it'd be good to just get some solid economic foundation in, and it'd be good to refresh my mind as well.  There's about 30 chapters - so I would like to say I could finish this in a month but the reality is probably that this would take about 3 months, at the very least.  Still, I think this is quite important and I hope I can keep up with this.

* <b>Reading through some handouts for a university's environmental economics course</b>. This is probably not as important as the others as I will probably have seen most of the material here on my own course, but again it'd be good for refreshing my memory, and may perhaps be slightly more in-depth than my course, or cover slightly different topics.

It's a lot to do, but I am fed up with feeling inadequate, and I already feel reading the economics blogs have helped me quite a bit, so I hope by sticking with the plan I will feel at least a bit less inadequate.

Who are you and what have you done with my soul?

Things that are of consequence to me right now:

1)  I'm going lindy-hop tomorrow!  It's gonna cost me ten big ones, but it'll be worth it to feel like I have a life.
2)  I hate the sports union of my undergrad.  I know it's no indvidual's fault - but goddamnit can't they get anything, anything right?
3)  I am in e-mail correspondence with the ex-model.  I know it's so shallow, but it makes me happy.
4)  I think I am developing a crush on Zac Efron.  This is okay.  He is unattainable, but an unattainable moviestar is infinitely better than a colleague in a very small company who has a long-term live-in girlfriend. 
5)  I want to trade in my housemate.  He is dirty and doesn't seem to realise it is his fault.  He also thinks it is okay to let us do 90% of the chores.  No, mister, it is not.
6)  I want my sanity back, and I have a feeling that in order to do so I may have to start up a martial art again.  A pad-hitting martial art.

thoughts

My colleague is presenting at a conference tomorrow and was doing a run-through in the office today. Whilst I was struggling to pay attention, here are some thoughts that are pretty unrelated to his study that I had while he was running it through and I was desperately trying to pay attention (and, obvoiusly, failing).

Risk averse - Whilst my colleague was explaining the 'kinked' (or more academically known as the... no, I can't even remember that. Something to do with linear gone slightly wrong) graph model, which shows risk-aversion, I wondered how much more risk-averse people are with regards to money at the moment... and how much that is screwing with scientific findings.  And, in fact, how long this will last.  I recently read a comment on a bog or an article about Madoff that said "Now i know why those old ladies keep all their money under their mattresses".  Is this economic crisis going screw up some economic valuations and other studies where people will be crazily risk-averse in terms of money for many many years to come?

Um, that's all I can remember.  But I do remember having other academic thoughts, however I had to run off and do some other stuff, so possibly got rather distracted and forgot what I was thinking.  Also, god I love regression analysis.  That stuff is magic.

Right now, I can't get enough of Hanson's live cover of "In a little while" by U2. It's on their Live and Electric album and I feel like I can listen to it over and over and over again... yes it's a beautiful song, but it's just this added deliciousness of Taylor's voice singing it... it just adds something a bit extra that shoots it from "exceptionally good" to "omg *hit repeat button over and over again*"

I am feeling exceptionally sensitive today though - not as in fragile but as in able to feel things more. I'm not exactly sure what's brought this on, but it's an interesting experience, leading me to both laugh out loud and tear up over Ray Bradbury's preface to Fahrenheit 451 whilst reading on the bus, to knock my head backwards in frustration against the wall while trying to load credit onto my Oyster card online (impossible due to TFL stupidity), and other odd stuff, including completely over-obsessing over Hanson given that they are now on twitter and post *pictures* of themselves as well as random comments like "Random thought but I love the night. The peacefulness, the darkness, the stars,.. the silence, these things are inspiration! -Isaac" swoon! The very fact that I'm swooning shows my over-sensitiveness.

Work is okay - can't say it's brilliant but it's certainly not bad. I think we're all still working out my place in the company and ensuring I am able to grow while still doing the extra stuff that they needed doing and why they needed to hire me for. I've got my own very large desk and share a decent-sized office with the 2 senior consultants. Everyone's amazingly nice and we went bowling and had dinner and drinks on the company card last Friday which was really really fun. Although, to be honest, I was just chatting with the 2 guys from my course most of the night, as 1 of them is my colleague and the reason I am in the company, and the other one had been invited by my colleague.

OUch. have just banged my head off the wall again in annoyance at my flatmate who sounds like he is moving furniture around upstairs. It's friggin quarter to 12. I also get this at around 6am. I get really annoyed by his antics because he is older and a teacher and I really think he should know better. And be cleaner. Oh I hate how dirty he is. It drives me up the wall. I vacuumed the kitchen and wiped down the counters on Saturday morning for some peace of mind and I came back down a few hours later and there was sticky stuff on the counter and crumbs on the floor. ARGH!

Anyway - where was I - yes was talking to my classmates and we were playing 6 degrees - I am only 2 degrees away from Kate Moss, and 3 from Alan Carr. Random, huh. But it occurred to me how spooky it was when I was speaking to the receptionist at my hotel in Iceland - he said he had been offered a job as a pilot with RyanAir (but turned it down as training was during the period when he was expecting his baby to be born). Anyway I thought that actually, that meant he'd probably be only at the most 2 degrees away from one of the big shots of the company who would know somebody at EasyJet... who would only be at most 2 degrees away from my ex-boyfriend's mother, a stewardess on EasyJet. Weird.

Anyway, must be off to bed despite the VERY LOUD FLATMATE UPSTAIRS.

Perhaps I need to take up a martial art again.

Yeah I'm kinda sleepy and tired and not blogged lately - and plan to go to sleep very soon, so don't plan on writing big long blog post.

But these are things I want/thinkI should write about:

1) work
2) bowling
3) 6 degrees
4) bus ride home

Goodnight sweetpeas.

Past bedtime...

But I just wanted to check in to say  'hello'!  It's been a busy week and weekend (went home and played golf, ugh, and got bad stomch cramps that may be a cause of food poisoning or eating after extreme hunger).

Yes, so, still alive, and lots to do that I Haven't done!

First day of work

Well it's the night before my first day of work (yes, great news! And a bit hasty, but I am not complaining. That is what I meant when I said before that I had things to say. Also I went to Iceland for 5 days). I'm hastily reading up on literature reviews, as writing them will be part of my responsibilities. Of course I have done them before for my theses, but I doubt they were ever any good.

I spent the whole day working on my website - made quite good headway and I think I have all the graphics I need for the meantime, and a good template. The only problem is with my mainpage - I am having huge issues with getting it to look how I want it to look - the main problem being the differing sizes of people's browsers.

Idea that has just occurred to me - a table on top of the image - but of course then I would have trouble with sizing the spacers.

It has just occured to me that I have been building websites for half my life - what an unsettling notion.

Oh, and as of currently - I am obssessed with this song.

A temporary lapse of judgement

"You must think I'm crazy, I'm still in love with you"

Stuff to say about what has happened recently, but this is not the post.

Just wanted to say that I 'facestalked' the ex and the almost ex on facebook and was relieved/saddened to see that there was no more attraction. The ex I don't even feel I know anymore... I almost feel like I never knew him. Which is sad. The almost ex I always knew was utterly and completely toxic for me.... which is why he is an 'almost ex'. All the same I was undeniably and utterly attracted to him. Now I am relieved... and saddened... to see that now I can see through him the way everybody else somehow could while I knew I should but couldn't. Or I did and ignored it. In that case, I have stopped ignoring it. But I don't want to see him that way... but I also don't want to be attracted to him.

Dreams

I've been sleeping a lot lately - kind of been going to bed at 12 but never quite getting up at 9... so I'm getting on average about 10 hours of sleep.

And while it's nice, I'm kind of wondering why I'm sleeping so much. Usually I sleep a lot after a period of not sleeping very much - kind of catch-up. So I'm hoping I'm just making up for... something... and I'll go back to needing 8 hours in a few days.

In the meantime I've had some interesting dreams, and while I forget most of them, I thought last night's was interesting/disturbing enough to record down.

Basically what I can remember is being late for school, or maybe being on-time, and having gym first period, and our gym lesson was basically getting to the gym taking a difficult path. And I was walking with a girl, a best friend from when I was younger, who I haven't heard from in ages, and I was very disappointed when after being best friends, she just kind of disappeared from my life. And we were both 13 again and it was nice having her by my side. And by the time we got to the gym, we weren't sure what we were meant to be doing, "swimming!" I said, but the swimming pool had been turned into a gym so that obviously wasn't what we were doing. And we wandered between different gym lessons and none of them were ours.

And then another dream I had last night, I think this was completely seperate, was me visiting this random village in Australia that was coincidentally named the same thing as this place in Scotland, and meeting a friend there. I have a lot of guilt associated with this friend to do with romantic interests and my fleeting changing fickle mind. He has understandably since distanced himself from me, which I understand, but invariably sometimes feel rather guilty about, and sometimes kind of sad when I remember how well we got along. Anyway so he has moved to this tiny remote village, and we decide to go to New York (or some other great metropolitan) by train, on a Great Adventure, and we invite some of his small-town hick friends, which was fun. And again it was great just hanging out with him, and I think we even saved some people's lives. This was a very confusing dream in that all these random things happen and I think I changed viewpoints, as in from one person to another, quite a few times. But what I remember the most was just hanging out with him and having a great time, and, admittedly, being tempted again, but knowing that at the end of the day I was right to have done what I did 3 years ago.

So dreams are meant to be your brain working things out I guess, so I thought it was interesting that in one night I dreamt about two people I have cared a lot about and have kind of 'lost', but in two very different ways.

Dreams are dreams though, and should I draw any kind of conclusion from them it would probably be wrong as I don't suppose dreams are meant to give you conclusions. But I guess for the second one perhaps it is time for me to stop feeling guilty, because what I could have done otherwise is much much worse. And for the first one? I've missed her for a long time, but sitting here now examining my feelings, I realise that I don't anymore. I guess, sad that I am to admit it, that was a relationship that ended a very long time ago, and I could try to get in touch again, but what could I expect? It would be nice to hear from her again, hear what she is up to, but I don't think we would have much else to say apart from that.

reading up on environmental stuff

I've got an interview on Tuesday... well a 'chat' apparently, with a company that is doing exactly what I want to do... for the time being. Until I get enough experience under my belt to start dictating policy, that is. :D

But anyway I am reading up on environmental stuff at the moment and I am *not* impressed with this article, and this is why:

"Dr Stroeve and colleagues have now analysed Arctic autumn (September, October, November) air temperatures for the period 2004-2008 and compared them to the long term average (1979 to 2008).

The results, they believe, are evidence of the predicted amplification effect.

"You see this large warming over the Arctic ocean of around 3C in these last four years compared to the long-term mean," explained Dr Stroeve."

1979 to 2008 is not long-term. It may be long-term in terms of say a relationship. But it is not long term in terms of the climate. Climate variability needs to be looked at over much longer terms than 29 years. We need to go back to at least the end of the last ice age if possible. If that is the only data they have, then there's nothing much they can do about it, but they shouldn't call it "long-term". The earth and its climate has been around a lot longer than 30 years.

So much for sleeping before 12. I need to actually start doin what I say I will do...

I have just watched Dawson's Creek 205 - Full Moon Rising, which is an amazingly good episode. Although it just figures that of course I would love the most emo of an already emo series.

whoops

So, no, I didn't get up at 9 today.  More like... 11?  Which put me into an unmotivational state and so I haven't really done much apart from fill out an application form for a 'traineeship' which includes building a whole new CV (Europass) which is what I am working on at the moment, and then I will have to write my 'letter of motivation'.  Oh and watched an episode of Dawson's and Roswell each.

Must... wake up.... at 9....

I guess I listend to a cantonese lesson and washed DISHES THAT WERE NOT MINE, too.

My housemate is not the cleanest guy around, which is really annoying.  I don't want to be cleaning up after him, but at the same time I can't stand the dirtiness he leaves behind.  And it's not like he's just out of university where this kind of thing is at least kind of excuseable, he is a 30 something year old teacher.  Like, get it together dude.  Geeeeeez.

There's a lot that can be said for waking up early.

While not exactly a 9 o'clock rise (9:30 due to a phonecall, but I'm definitely getting up at 9 tomorrow! Really!), I have had breakfast, done my at-least once daily Pimsleur Cantonese lesson, made a phonecall and written two letters, and I'm just about to embark on my third, and it's only 1:30! Usually at this time I would be contemplating breakfast. Oh yes, and I also watched an episode of Roswell. But at least I have been productive!

Now just to write this last letter then I'm going to fix myself lunch and then I'll be off to the post office and then to the library to fill out a rather lengthy application form.

The sleep issue

Ever since I remember, unless I am really really tired, I have never wanted to go to sleep. Right now I am quite tired and hope to wake up tomorrow early-ish to do stuff, but I keep on distracting myself with things so I won't have to go to sleep.

On the other side of the coin I hate waking up and getting out of bed. It takes me 1-2 hours if I don't have anywhere to be. I really have to force myself to get up and not go back to sleep or doze some more. I guess you could say I am late to bed, late to rise.

Maybe I should try and start to change my habits, because I hate when it gets dark and I haven't done anything. Makes me feel like I've wasted a day, although logically I know I will still be awake and able to do things for about 8 more hours. I recently read an article on 30 day trials in habit-changing, where you tell yourself you will change something for 30 days, and see how that goes. The thinking is that it takes about 30 days to form a habit, but also that you have a discernible goal, and you can tell yourself that it only lasts that long, and after the 30 day trial period, if you don't think the benefits outweight the negatives, you can go back.

So today is the 9th of February. From the next 30 days (until 2nd March) I will attempt to go to bed at 12 at the latest and wake up at 9 at the latest (this really is early for me).

Wish me luck. :)

Sundays

I have very recently made a new rule for myself. And that is, if at all possible, I should do what I want and not do what I don't want to do on Sundays.

Weirdly I never realised how self-restrained I have become. My automatic reaction when I crave a junk food snack is to ignore myself, or try a substitute such as water or fruit or fruit juice. When I feel I want to watch a TV show I tell myself I should write a job application first.

Today (yesterday) I pigged out whilst watching Roswell Episode 1. Crisps, lin go (chinese sticky cake thingy for new years), and something else (I forget now) were all consumed. It felt suprisingly like freedom.

I also tidied my room though, because I have become so anxious about the state it is in, that I enjoyed tidying it up knowing that it would be clear and uncluttered at the end of the exercise.

I feel that, despite the fact that I have no job, I have become more anxious about my time and how I spend it, how to get the best use of my time. It seems like I have spent days doing nothing and it drives me crazy when I have a large to-do list. I know I am working my way through it, but it is far too slow.